It is 4:26 in the afternoon on a Thursday and I'm fucking myself with my toothbrush. Oral B CrossAction. My toe knuckles are whitening with tension as the soles of my feet squeeze harder against one another. Almost—there—Miela is almost there, too. I have it timed perfectly. Her pussy is pink and tight and waxed, sweet like over-chewed Bubble Yum. The overhead lights glisten soft and circular on her perfectly tanned, cellulite-less ass. She runs her fingertips around the rim of her asshole and the rhinestones on her nails are fluorescent yellow. She is perfect.

The King of the Groundhogs "Punxsutawney Phil" was awoken at the ungodly hour of 7:28 this morning, groggily emerging from his harem filled with lady-groundhogs ("Who are the lady groundhogs, anyway? Us? Are we the lady-groundhogs?"), and did not see his shadow, signaling to the absurdly-dressed array of Pennsylvanians that spring was well on its way.

When former mayor Ed Koch died early yesterday morning, the accolades were quick to descend: he was a "a great man," who "did good," ebulliently pulling his city out of the worst financial disaster it had ever faced. Still, his incredibly long tenure also coincided with both the crack and AIDS epidemic, the latter of which, activist and documentarian David France writes in a piece for New York, he turned a blind eye to:

Big weekend, guys, huh? The Super Bowl? Beyoncé's going to be there? And Jay-Z and Destiny's Child (but not Michelle) maybe? Also that guy. The one with the tattoos. He'll probably be there too, tossing the pigskin around and such?

America's deadly flying war robots are in the hands of users of the popular geek message board Reddit. And as with any profession in which Redditors can be found, U.S. Army drone operators have apparently taken to Reddit to chat about their controversial jobs with fellow users in the site's popular "Ask Me Anything" section.

An NBC affiliate serving the Dallas-Fort Worth area was forced to apologize today after posting a shockingly tasteless write-up of a soldier's death on their Facebook page.

On their way back from a recent snowboarding trip to the French Alps, a group of friends from Ireland decided to prank their peacefully slumbering pal Adrian Byrne (AKA Juicy from Donegal, whatever any of that means) with a good ol' fashioned imminent death psych-out.

Barney Bush, former First Dog of the United States (FDOTUS), has lost his battle with lymphoma. The Scottish Terrier was 12 years old and described by Bush as the son he never had.

The suspense is burning. For the first time in the history of the Super Bowl, people who care nothing about football can experience the same level of investment over the outcome of the big day as sports fans. For my money, the halftime show will be the most exciting of the night's offerings: there is so much riding on Beyoncé's performance. Will she stay true to her word and sing live? Will she reinforce her status as her generation's greatest performer during this relatively vulnerable time in her career? Will she deliver something that erases the Inauguration lip-synching/backing-track accompaniment fiasco? Will she fuck everything up?

Yesterday was Portia de Rossi's 40th birthday. So on her daytime talk show today, Ellen DeGeneres paid tribute to her wife of four years.

Ed Koch, who died this morning at 88, was the the only mayor New York City had during its legendarily gritty 1980s, and while his death comes far too late to be the end of an era, it serves as another reminder of how different the city was during his tenure.

Looking to get out of going through a messy and expensive divorce, 27-year-old Stephen Perry of Carmel, Indiana, allegedly decided to ask a coworker to kill his estranged wife instead.

On Wednesday night in Washington, D.C., the city's Metro green line, which connects its southern fringes to its northern extremities, up and stopped moving during rush hour after workers accidentally cut power to it while battling a fire. What ensued, according to one eyewitness account from a man named Scott, was a chaotic mass of thousands of sweaty bodies, vomit, urine, and panicked people smashing apart Metro cars in a desperate attempt to get fresh air (sic throughout):

Longtime Marketwatch media columnist and good-natured target Jon Friedman has been laid off. We'll miss his star power.

On Monday, Iran announced the country had sent a monkey into space. Because such a move would never have anything to do with warfare, officials swore the launch was another step toward Tehran's totally innocent dreams of a manned space flight.

A Los Angeles man wanted for allegedly drinking and driving was stopped today after a brief low-speed car chase in which LAPD disabled the vehicle with a spike strip. With nothing left to do but wait for police to apprehend him, the suspect started filling balloon after balloon from a canister in the passenger seat of his car and furiously huffing the ones he didn't pop. Eventually, police took him out with a "non-lethal projectile," dragged him out of the car, and wrestled him to the ground.

The head football coach at Lauderdale County High School in Alabama gave a number of students a lesson in bigotry recently when he expressed his distaste for "queers" and "big fat gorilla" Michelle Obama in the same breath.

New government guidelines for snack food in schools: not too strict. Nutri-Grain bars are the new Snickers.

It's Friday afternoon. You've just about finished pretending to do actual work, and you want to go home. Now.

The Obama administration has proposed another compromise on the Affordable Care Act's contraception mandate. And it's pretty fair! Women get access to birth control without having to pay out the wazoo and religious groups get to plug their ears and pretend everyone is still fucking au naturel.