Buried deep within a fascinating New York Times Magazine profile of the French spy novelist Girard De Villiers comes the fascinating tidbit that many at the CIA think Iran - and not Muammar Qaddafi, as the official story goes - was behind the 1988 Lockerbie bombing, which killed 270 people.

And an angel of the Lord suddenly stood before them, and the glory of the Lord shone around them; and they were terribly frightened. But the angel said to them, "Do not be afraid; for behold, I bring you good news of great joy which will be for all the people; for I am Beyoncé and this is my Super Bowl halftime show."

The job description is simple enough:

This evening's Super Bowl, which pits the Baltimore Ravens against the San Francisco 49ers, raises an obvious question: if a real Corvus corax fought a real 19th-century California gold panner, who would win? We talked to experts and did some research to find out.

Appearing on Fox News this morning, NRA CEO Wayne LaPierre reiterated his organization's claim in a recent ad that all American children deserve the same amount of protection that the President Obama's daughters receive. Fox News host Chris Wallace responded, "That's ridiculous and you know it, sir." Throughout the interview Wallace continues to be critical of LaPierre, refuting his claims that inner-city gangs are the problem, and pointing out the insanity of putting armed guards in every public place.

Chris Kyle, a former Navy SEAL whose book American Sniper detailed his over 150 confirmed kills, was shot dead at a gun range in Texas on Saturday afternoon. Kyle, 38, who had recently appeared on the reality show Stars Earn Stripes, was allegedly shot by Eddie Ray Routh, 25, who also shot another person before taking Kyle's truck. He was arrested a short time later after a chase with police.

This Sunday, millions of Americans will watch two siblings square off, blood against blood, as they attempt to achieve the single most important goal of their lives.

After voting to legalize the sale of the dankest of herbs last November, Washington State is looking to fill the position of Marijuana Consultant. Qualifications for the job include: three years of experience, knowledge of demand cycles of marijuana, as well as a commitment to product quality control and, of course, testing. The starting pay is $100,000 (or 5,000 White Castle Crave Cases).

The Revolutionary People's Liberation Party Front has taken credit for Friday's bombing at the U.S. Embassy in Ankara.

Last October, billionaire hedge fund manager Paul Singer tracked the course of a Argentine navy ship, Libertad, as it crossed the globe. When it docked in Ghana, his firm, NML Capital, convinced a judge there to hold the ship in port until Argentina could pay its 1.3 billion debt to him, debt still owed from when the Argentine economy completely collapsed in 2001.

My Bloody Valentine's first album in 22 years is coming out tonight. As in, tonight. MAYBE.

Officials at the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service are trying to include wolverines as threatened members of the Endangered Species List (there are only about 300 remaining in the lower 48 states), and they have five excellent reasons.

This week sees the release of three new horror movies: Warm Bodies, Girls Against Boys (both in theaters) and The ABCs of Death (on demand). But it is not enough anymore merely to be a horror movie — now horror movies, in conversation with what came before them in their respective subgenres, must add something new to the conversation, or at least purport to for the sake of "angle." All three of these attempt to do so, with various yet decided degrees of success. Let's explore.

The inventor of the Etch A Sketch has died in France at 86.

France, hotbed of infidelity, has taken one step closer to allowing same-sex couples the privilege of having extra-marital affairs. This morning, the National Assembly, which is the lower house of France's parliament (it is much like our Congress, but different in that it appears they vote on things), voted 249 to 97 in favor of gay marriage.

The world is not a safe place. You are, we trust, already doing what you can to protect yourself against the regular flu, but while you've been washing your hands until the skin on your knuckles begins to crack, the flu has been busy reinventing itself.

In case the news-cycle warped right past it, just a quick reminder that there is still a Vietnam vet holding a child hostage in an underground bunker in Alabama. After five days, no progress has been made towards freeing the 5-year-old, who was abducted on Tuesday afternoon.

In an interview last week with The New New Republic, President Obama revealed that "we do skeet shooting all the time" at Camp David. Not everyone believes him. In response to these "Skeet Truthers", the White House released a photo this morning which shows President Obama shooting a shotgun last August. There is smoke coming out of the barrel, an indicator that the shotgun has just fired something, which, we can assume, was a bullet shotgun shell. Or maybe he did nothing at all.

Kentucky police are looking for Richard Barnes, who broke into a family's home and "skinned" their cats before fleeing.

How deep does the Super Bowl Illuminati rabbit hole go? As deep as all rabbit holes: straight into hell.