Just when the stock market recovers and public optimism returns and you start to lose faith in the power of American capitalism to constantly repeat its past mistakes in the form of foreseeable boom-and-bust cycles that always end in massive losses, the system steps up to reinforce your belief in humanity's fundamental unwillingness to learn from past mistakes, ever. Hello, looming student loan meltdown!

7-year-old John Welch of Baltimore still isn't quite sure why he was suspended from Park Elementary School, though he understands it had something to do with his breakfast pastry's slight resemblance to a weapon.

A Siberian woman has been arrested and charged with murder for stabbing her husband to death after he attempted to kill her cat with a rake.

The "Knife Game Song" isn't all that new: It first appeared online way back in 2011, and even managed to garner over 100k views shortly after it appeared on YouTube.

A "portly" individual wearing a Batman costume surprised authorities in the Northern England city of Bradford when he arrived unexpectedly at a local police station to drop off a man wanted for burglary.

A senior living facility in Bakesfield, California, says one its nurses was just doing her job when she refused a 911 dispatchers repeated pleas to perform CPR on an elderly resident who ultimately passed away.

The "miracle baby" delivered yesterday after a hit-and-run accident killed its parents has died.

Now-former Miss Delaware Teen USA Melissa King initially denied any connection to the recently surfaced porn video that forced her to resign her crown, telling The News Journal it was "absolutely not" her.

Keith Olbermann, famed observer of reckless drivers and occasional Gawker emailer, is reportedly testing the waters at ESPN, the station he left in 1997 in a typically bridge-burning/napalming fashion. Several times over the last year, the former Current and MSNBC host reached out to ESPN president John Skipper with friendly "Gee, I would love to have dinner" emails, and finally, some time a few months ago, the two dined together at New York's Four Seasons restaurant:

Disgraced former South Carolina governor Mark Sanford asked his ex-wife, Jenny, to manage his congressional campaign.

Christine Svenningsen is a rich, New York widow who enjoys collecting and remodeling estates in Long Island Sound. She is also, apparently, a rich, New York widow who enjoys collecting—I'm sorry, adopting—children from China, only to give them up for readoption once she tires of them. According to a report in the Daily News, Svenningsen has given up not just one adopted child—as previously thought—but two.

After Rahmell Pettway spent several weeks away from home without telling his girlfriend where he was, the 36-year-old probably knew he was in trouble. So Pettway, whom the NYPD describe as a career criminal, came up with a plan: he would fake his own kidnapping as an excuse. Brilliant idea? Eh, not so much.

Early Sunday morning, a young man and his pregnant wife were killed in a hit-and-run car accident in Brooklyn. The couple, Nachman and Raizel Glauber, both 21, were rushing to the hospital in the back seat of a livery cab after Raizel, who was seven months pregnant, complained of pains. At an intersection in Williamsburg, Brooklyn, a gray BMW collided with the livery cab, ejecting the pregnant Raizel into the street and trapping Nachman inside the car, where first responders used metal cutters to remove him. Nachman was later pronounced dead at Beth Israel Hospital; Raizel was taken to Bellevue Hospital, where doctors performed an emergency C-section before she died. The couple's baby, a boy, is in serious condition at Bellevue and is expected to survive. Update: According to a community spokesman, the baby has died.

Researchers at a major AIDS conference in Atlanta announced today that a 2½ year child in Mississippi born with HIV has been cured of the virus after taking an aggressive regimen of drugs since birth. The child, whose mother had stopped giving her medication, is the second confirmed case of a human being cured of HIV, after a man was cured in 2010 when he received a bone marrow transplant.

When the Freedom Riders arrived in Montgomery, Alabama in May of 1961, they were greeted and beaten by a mob at the Greyhound station. The civil rights activists were not welcome in the deep south, and local law enforcement failed to protect them from violence and intimidation as the activists attempted to end race discrimination almost a century after the abolition of slavery.

Crews have begun demolishing the house in Florida that is above the sinkhole, and will finally see the hole tomorrow.

Following complaints by West Bank settlers that Palestinians posed a "security risk" to fellow bus riders, the Afikim bus company will begin running separate buses for settlers and Palestinians traveling into the State of Israel, beginning this Monday morning. The bus plan has been in the works since last fall. Israeli officials insist that this segregation of bus passengers is not actually segregation:

Is there about to be a new Daft Punk record? Check out this mysterious ad that played during SNL last night.

They call it "the nasty effect."

In his first interview since losing the presidential election in November, Mitt Romney criticized the President, telling Fox News' Chris Wallace that Obama could have avoided the sequester with more of a Romney-like leadership style, and that "I don't see that kind of leadership happening right now."