A parent who took her two young children to a Chicago-area McDonald's is suing the fast food restaurant because she claims one of her children found a used condom in the play area and then ate it.

In a weird way, this makes perfect sense: legendary sex-slaving, tank-driving action star Steven Seagal and Russian president/famed shirtless athlete Vladimir Putin had lunch today before watching a judo competition together in Russia. What seems like a one-time meeting of similar minds is actually just the latest get together between apparent old buddies. As Dmitry Peskov, Putin's spokesperson, put it:

After a record-setting 10-hour, $2 million Kickstarter campaign, the Veronica Mars movie is officially happening.

Earlier this week, nearly 6,000 dead pigs were found floating in the Huangpu River, roughly 40 miles north of Shanghai. As terrible and disconcerting as the discovery must have been for Shanghai's 23 million residents, who receive their tap water from the river, the news got worse when authorities realized the pigs were infected with porcine circovirus, which, according to health officials, isn't transferrable to humans but still, not a great thought. In fact, according to ABC News, some residents showed "black humor" by referring to their drinking water as "pork broth." But not to worry! The Chinese government is now saying that, after testing the city's tap water, it's perfectly safe to drink, shower in, cook with, etc.

"An Interview With The Woman Who Brushed Her Teeth With Feces To Impress Hunter Moore." Bring back shame.

Google just announced that it is killing Google Reader, effective July 1. And the internet had a collective freakout.

During a recent special performance at the New York City Center aimed at raising money for his children's school, Louis C.K. was interrupted at least twice by a female audience member who wanted to let him know she thought his boots were "really sexy." (Skip to 1:35.)

Kimani Gray, the 16-year-old who was killed in Brooklyn on Saturday night by two plainclothes police officers, was shot seven times: four in the front, three in the back. An autopsy report from the Chief Medical Examiner didn't say which bullets hit first, or which killed Gray; it's unclear, therefore, whether he was shot while facing the officers—as they claim—and then turned, or was first shot while his back was turned to them.

Atlantic writer Ta-Nehisi Coates has developed a brilliantly concise definition of an asshole: "A person who demands that all social interaction happen on their terms." He was inspired by the assholes who talk in Amtrak's quiet car, but this reasoning also perfectly explains why those who use Google's new wearable computer are assholes, by definition.

Peripatetic poet-reporter Charlie LeDuff, author of Detroit: An American Autopsy, was arrested and* charged with aggravated assault after allegedly biting a security guard's finger this weekend, the Detroit Free Press reported. The incident happened at a St. Patrick's Day parade.

Fans of the mid-2000s series Veronica Mars are putting their money on the table to get their much beloved TV-show made into a movie. Donators broke records, raising a million dollars in four hours and 24 minutes. Total funds raised are $1,332,984, as of these words.

Anyone betting on Cardinal Bergoglio becoming Pope cleaned up nicely. The odds were 33 to one, according to Paddy Power.

"Have you ever met anyone who doesn't like Jennifer Lawrence?" asks Vice West Coast editor Jamie Lee Curtis Taete. No, you haven't, and neither has Taete.

Business Insider copy/ pasted the new Pope's entire Wikipedia page onto their site, because they are shit. (Previously)

In a major surprise, Jorge Mario Bergoglio, an Argentinian cardinal predicted by almost no one, has been named Pope by the Papal Conclave. He will be the first-ever pope from the Western Hemipshere, and will take the name Francis I. Bergoglio was announced to a packed and cheering St. Peter's Square minutes ago, following the traditional burning of white smoke through the chimney of the Sistine Chapel.

Beginning around rush hour on Wednesday, eyewitness reports of a dolphin swimming around New York's East River started trickling in on Twitter. Before noon, local news teams were on the scene at FDR drive. As of Wednesday around 3p.m., he (or she? Dolphins are boys, right?) was still there, swimming around in circles, distracting everyone when they should be watching their afternoon stories.

Which country on earth parties harder than any other country? YOU WILL NEVER GUESS WITHOUT LOOKING AT THE ABOVE HEADLINE.

Police are still investigating how a 12-year-old girl from Taylor, Michigan, came to possess a backpack stuffed with $20,000 in cash.

Warning: Minor spoilers.

Police arrested a young mother from Centralia, Washington, last week after footage surfaced on YouTube showing her allowing her 22-month-old son to inhale marijuana smoke from a bong.