Last Monday, Madonna arrived in Malawi a VIP. Last Saturday, she left the country with her VIP status revoked.

Lady Gaga, Katy Perry, Barack Obama vying for most literate twitter of the ten most popular accounts. Bieber's last.

The sheriff's deputies in Harris County, Texas are reporting that at least twelve people were wounded in a stabbing incident at Lone Star College just before noon, local time. A suspect as been detained, but officials report that another suspect is still at large.

Another four-year-old armed citizen, this one in New Jersey, shot a six-year-old in the head with a .22 rifle. [Related]

Rehtaeh Parsons, a 17-year-old from Nova Scotia, died this past Sunday in a hospital, after attempting suicide on Thursday. Her mother stated that a rape in 2011 and subsequent bullying led to her daughter's suicide.

The only thing stolen during a recent home invasion was the family dog, an East Wenatchee, Washington, couple told police.

Ten years ago today, TV carried one of the most iconic, if stage-managed and misremembered, images of the invasion of Iraq: Moments before toppling the statue of Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein in Baghdad's Firdos Square, several Marines used a United States flag to cover Saddam's face before prudently swapping it for an Iraqi standard.

A 6.3 magnitude earthquake in southwest Iran's Bushehr province has already killed 30 people and injured 800. Though the earthquake occurred 60 miles to the south of Iran's only nuclear power station, officials report that the nuclear plant has not been harmed and is working properly.

Once you've seen the Sistine Chapel six or seven times, life in Vatican City can get a bit... boring (we imagine). So what else is there to do? According an analysis by TorrentFreak and Scaneye: download pirated porn.

There is so much to like about this video: The very, very clever raccoon navigating his way across a makeshift two-rope bridge like a furry James Bond; the Toronto housewife providing National Geographic-ready narration that gives Randall a run for his honey; the nuclear bomb blast toward the end of the video heralding a post-apocalyptic world in which raccoon overlords force humans to produce everlasting mountains of garbage for them to consume.

We may never know if the person who fired his gun into the BancorpSouth Arena parking lot in Tupelo, Mississippi at 2 a.m. Tuesday morning intended to hit the circus elephant traveling there while on tour with a Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey show. We may never know if the shooter, in the heat of the moment, mistook the elephant (Carol) for a much smaller human-sized human with whom he was having a personal conflict. We may never know what the elephant—an honor student, active in her church choir, well-liked and respected by her peers—was doing in the shadowy parking lot so late at night. (Probably just resting.)

Working off of this column in the New York Post that suggests we should make members of congress take IQ tests—tests which, according to this guy, will quiz people on their knowledge of guns— the gang over at Fox and Friends all chimed in to support the notion. "Nobody'd be in congress!" Steve Doocey says to no one before chuckling at his own joke. Gretchen Carlson, meanwhile, was already busy thinking about the next step: when are they going to mandate IQ tests for the people that make the IQ tests for congress? "Nobody'd be left in the world!" Steve Doocey notices.

A doctor in China couldn't help herself after she recently treated a man whose colon had been perforated by the eel he had stuck up his butt.

Brad Paisley stands by his decision to be an on purpose racist. Just "have a ball y'all. Love-Brad."

"Which camel, Monsieur Président? Oh, that camel? Ah, yes. We ate it."

It was really only a matter of time before cats stopped being frightened of their own reflections and moved on to the next stage: Spending all day in front of the mirror practicing their Jazz Hands.

Take heart, German Nutella highway pirates: You are not alone. Florida state troopers arrested a 51-year-old Orlando man Monday for commandeering a tractor-trailer full of soup bound for a supermarket depot. Police pursued Eusebio Diaz Acosta with a helicopter and a K9 unit for nearly 30 miles on a South Florida stretch of the state turnpike before he curbed the Campbell's soup-laden lorry.

William Blakely, former Vice-Mayor of Mount Carmel, Tennessee, was accused in court yesterday of having a long-running streak of reckless driving incidents that stem from a penchant for sticking his genitals out of the window and masturbating in the direction of passing female motorists.

How freaked out was Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-Ky.) about a possible election challenge from movie star Ashley Judd? So freaked that in February he assembled a secret meeting of advisors on how to use a "wealth of material" from the actress' mental health history to paint her as an egomaniacal "mentally unbalanced" anti-Christian hysterical lady.

A 60-year-old gunman engaged in a shooting rampage in his Serbian village early this morning, killing 13 people before killing himself. His son, his wife, and a two-year-old child were among those murdered by the man, identified as Ljubisa Bogdanovic. This is the first mass murder in Serbia in six years; in the last, a man killed nine people in a village in eastern Serbia.