When I was a senior in high school, I was too young to vote, but definitely old enough to be one of those unbearable people who insist they’re totally moving to Canada if [X politician] wins. I routinely threatened my parents that I’d move to Canada if George W. Bush was reelected.

Have you heard? The Manhattan District Attorney says you will no longer go to jail for publicly drinking and peeing in his borough. You may want to hold it in for just a minute before you start celebrating.

Robert Morrow is the newest Republican Party chair of Travis County, the Texas territory that contains the state capital, Austin. He appears to be an absolute lunatic.

Venezuela—with a broken economy, runaway inflation, and rampant crime—is so fucked right now. How fucked is Venezuela since the last time we told you how fucked it was?

Although Ben Carson today admitted he has no “political path forward” and says he will not attend the next GOP debate, he declined to actually withdraw himself from the race.

In what is a major get for South by Southwest (SXSW) and a deeply embarrassing move for the Office of the President, Barack Obama will be interviewed in a “keynote conversation” during the annual vanity carnival’s opening day. All of which is to say, Obama’s about to drop an app.

Prison has not been kind to former Subway spokesman-turned-convicted-sex-offender Jared Fogle.

There’s currently a “ceasefire” in effect throughout Syria, in an attempt to stem bloodshed between Russia, Turkey, the Syrian government, and various rebel groups. It has been violated over 30 times already. To help the U.S. keep track of this humanitarian disaster, the State Department is running a war zone hotline for Syrians to report violence. So far, it’s not going well.

Republicans are no longer in denial over Donald Trump’s hostile takeover of their party; how could they be? They are certainly angry—how could they not be?—but after Trump rolled through Super Tuesday practically unabated, the GOP establishment has entered the third stage of grief: bargaining.

Yesterday, the Wisconsin Supreme Court upheld the right of factory workers to be paid for the time they spend putting on and taking off safety gear. More evidence for the radical proposition: Workers should be paid for the time they work.

Last night, softball superstar and failed presidential candidate Chris Christie, took a break from his regular red-faced bloviating to stand idly by as Donald Trump screamed at us about nothing. Throughout Trump’s entire speech, Chris Christie looks, objectively, like he is praying for death.

This week, nine Republican congressmen voted against naming a North Carolina post office after the poet and civil rights activist, Maya Angelou. One of them, in explaining why he thought her name inappropriate for a federal building, suggested her supporters might need to “investigate” her a little further.

It was a typical scene at Donald Trump’s Super Tuesday rally in Louisville, Kentucky: A protester, surrounded by Trump supporters and jostled by them until she left the premises. According to the protester in question, it was perhaps even uglier than usual. “I was called a nigger and a cunt, and got kicked out,” Shiya Nwanguma said after the incident.

While Chris Christie looked on in abject terror, Donald Trump made typically nonsensical claims during his victory speech last night. One of them was, “I’m going to be really good for women.”

“I attended a Donald Trump rally in Memphis on Saturday night as a fully credentialed member of the media,” wrote radio host James Edwards in a blog post yesterday. On the sidebar of the post, you’ll find a link to Edwards’ mission statement, which reads in part, “We wish to revive the White birthrate above replacement level fertility and beyond to grow the percentage of Whites in the world relative to other races.”

Following a new round of consolidations and layoffs, “The last daily edition of the 150-year-old Oakland Tribune will be published April 4.” Surviving 150 years is an incredible feat.

Super Tuesday was very good to Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump, who both won in seven states, demonstrating a broad base of support across the country.

Chris Christie may be out of the presidential race, but soon he will get a chance to revel in the glory of plunging thousands of his state’s commuters into a living hell. It’s almost time for a transit strike!

South Dakota Governor Dennis Daugaard vetoed a bill Tuesday that would have barred transgender students from using school bathrooms that correspond to their gender identities. Had Daugaard signed the bill, South Dakota would have been the only state in the union to pass such a law.