The childlike joy of America's Free Comic Book Day became a violent drama of assault and police firing taser guns when two costumed characters were attacked by a 300-pound drunken monster outside a comics shop in Portland, Maine, on Saturday.

So I'm watching the season premiere of Mad Men and Don Draper is hanging out late at night alone in the bar of the Royal Hawaiian hotel, and I keep waiting for Don to get up and go bang a waitress because Don Draper is the world's classiest sleazebag, but no. Instead, he befriends a drunken sailor and ends up being the best man at the sailor's beachside wedding, all while staring off into the distance and looking crazy thoughtful because that's how Jon Hamm rolls. Draper, a man whose very existence is an elaborate sales job, has an epiphany on that beach about the hotel he's staying in. When he meets with the client back in New York, he explains that you become a different person when you stay at the Royal Hawaiian. You enter a different state of consciousness, and you don't miss what you left behind. You're not you anymore. You disappear. That's all pretty solid thinking. I know most advertising is terrible, but that doesn't mean someone out there didn't put some insight into it.

For over a year and a half, Joe Nagy of Arizona suffered from a severe case of runny nose.

Last year, about half of all working-age Americans lacked sufficient health insurance. Cool system.

TEDx is coming to Williamsburg's Wythe Hotel this week—by invitation only, naturally—because of course it is. Expect simultaneously mocking and adulatory coverage from the New York Times.

June "Mama" Shannon and Mike "Sugar Bear" Thompson, the parental units on Here Comes Honey Boo Boo, were maybe married this weekend in their hometown of McIntyre, Georgia. "Mama June isn't saying whether or not they're married, but they did renew their vows," said Carlos Greer of People. "She's still in love with Sugar Bear and she wanted to show their love to her girls."

To try and do more than simply raise awareness of child abuse, the international nonprofit Aid to Children and Adolescents at Risk (ANAR) recently joined forces with the ad agency Grey Group Spain to create a public service announcement that both draws attention to the problem, and may actually make a difference.

A few minutes ago, The Onion's official Twitter account let loose a series of tweets that suggested it had been hacked by the Syrian Electronic Army, the same outfit responsible for taking down the Associated Press' and CBS' account. Of course the possibility of this being some meta-joke has twisted everyone's brains into pretzels.

One day before the presidential election last year, Geraldo Rivera and pro baseball player turned conservative commentator Eric Bolling got into a shouting match on morning comedy kaffeeklatsch, Fox & Friends. The subject of the argument was the then-recent Benghazi attack. Rivera took issue with Bolling's claim that the government and the military did "nothing" in response to the siege of the U.S. consulate, firing back that Bolling was "a politician trying to make a political point," and the two went on from there.

This video of 7.5-month-old Ryder water skiing Lake Dyer in Queensland, Australia, is almost certain to invoke cries of "child abuse."

Today is a special day, because today is the day that you learn of the existence of the "2012 Sandwich Consumer Trend Report"—a real report, about trends, among consumers, regarding sandwiches. Right this moment, bits of sandwich are flying from your lips as you exclaim aloud: "What are these 2012 sandwich consumer trends??"

Low-rent Viagra text ads blanketed a National Republican Congressional Committee website just as Pfizer announced the popular senior erection helper will now be available online directly from the manufacturer.

A Saturday evening performance of Peter Morgan's The Audience at the Gielgud Theater was rudely interrupted by the loud banging noises made by street drummers marching to promote London’s As One In the Park gay music festival.

Oprah Winfrey's 90-minute interview with newly out NBA center Jason Collins on last night's Oprah's Next Chapter reminded me of a cross between and alien autopsy and the 2011 movie Weekend. Winfrey combed through the minutiae of Collins' gay life like she was studying a different species and/or like they had just hooked up and were swapping coming-out stories.

New Yorkers! If you were planning on taking the A, C, B or D trains this afternoon, you may want to reconsider, since an escaped prisoner is maybe also commuting on those trains, and police have shut them down in order to find him.

Today, we are thinking about inconsistent regional accent use in the HBO fantasy series Game of Thrones.

As number-one-mom Farrah Abraham continues to act like her "secret private sex tape" with porn giant James Deen was leaked to Vivid Entertainment against her will — "I KNOW WHAT'S OUT- Don't talk to me about it:) Thanks #XXX," she just tweeted — the company best known for making Kim Kardashian a thing has finally unleashed upon an unsuspected public the full force of Farrah Superstar: Backdoor Teen Mom.

It's impossible to know for sure exactly what white substance burst forth from supermodel Cara Delevingne's pocketbook on Saturday, as she merrily searched for her keys in front of her London home. Perhaps it was a baggie of bone ash, to make a glaze for tiny ceramics. Perhaps it was a pinch of anthrax, to poison her littlest enemies. Perhaps it was 1 gram of flour, to bake a cake for a fairy queen.

America's official unemployment rate is 7.5%. But among young people, our unemployment rate is one of the worst in the developed world, and we are rapidly developing a new permanent underclass of the long-term unemployed. Each week (now that a brief sabbatical is over), we bring you true stories of unemployment, straight from the unemployed. This is what's happening out there, still.

Jeremy is just your average 12-year-old: He loves kicking it with his friends, eating Totino's pizza rolls after school, and watching whatever it is the kids are watching these days on that there picture box.