Since 1979, the Wall Street Journal has paid tribute to the wealthy and powerful with a little woodcut-style half-column portrait on its pages. Today, perfection has been attained. Ronald McDonald, the costumed creep who has long terrorized children who only wanted some chicken-feet nuggets and a gun toy, got a WSJ "stipple."

Revolutionary street artist, self described "actor/Yale Doctoral candidate," and Vice-President of Being the Best Blogger James Franco has recently begun penning film reviews for Vice magazine. Vice has labeled this undertaking "A Few Impressions," probably because reviews serve a clear purpose and "impressions" are whatever you want them to be.

An ironically named mother in North Carolina had her own teenage son arrested after he allegedly took her Pop-Tarts without permission.

Two monsters crashed a car into a soldier named Lee Rigby on Tuesday in southeast London, and then they hopped out and murdered him with meat cleavers and a machete. In the interminable lull before police arrived to shoot the men, they danced over Rigby's body and demanded passers-by take pictures and video. Here it is.

Certain nations in this world prosper by becoming "tax havens"— by pulling in money from people and entities seeking to avoid taxes in their home countries. They profit as the treasuries of other nations suffer. Now, even some non-utopians are predicting their end.

Scientists have discovered the genetic trait that results in white tigers, something originally only explained by Just So Stories logic. The trait, which caused their fur to have white accents rather than orange ones, was long known to be a recessive trait. New research has isolated a change in a specific part of one gene that causes this mutation. Humans can have the same trait, as can some mice, horses, and fish.

The sudden new craze called "cat bearding" has made us realize that it's always futile to claim the Internet has hit a new low, because as soon as you make such a pronouncement, something like "cat bearding" comes along to remind you the Internet will always be more pointless and absurd and .... oh but that one cat is kind of cute, and so are some of these people, maybe, although who knows what kind of horror the cat beard is hiding.

A would-be contestant on America's Next Top Model has admitted to authorities in Alabama that she faked her own abduction in a poorly conceived effort to win back the affection of her estranged boyfriend.

Richard Linklater says that he hopes to film Dazed and Confused: The Sequel this fall. It's going to be a "spiritual sequel," most likely set in college, probably to be titled That's What I'm Talking About, and hopefully featuring joyous ketchup flinging.

Bad news, Portland: You will not be benefiting from the sweet (well, tasteless) tooth-protecting power of fluoridated water in the near future. For the fourth time since 1956, Portland overwhelmingly voted down a measure to fluoridate its water like every other major city in America, because many Portlanders will throw a tantrum over anything that presents even a remote chance it will affect their idyllic lives.

The U.K. Ministry of Defence has identified Wednesday's victim of the Woolwich psychopaths as Lee Rigby, father of a 2-year-old son and veteran of military campaigns from Cyprus to Afghanistan who was currently based in London as part of the drum corps.

An 18-year-old who earns pocket money impersonating Taylor Swift at "corporate events" says she was severely beaten by a bully jealous of her resemblance to the 23-year-old pop star.

Who's the sexy Air Force dude on the beach cruiser? Oh and who's that cute little blond boy? This photograph of "the America we lost" shows Doctor Ron Paul and his son, board-uncertified ophthalmologist Rand Paul. If you're wondering how these two become so nutty in the 21st Century, all the clues are in this seemingly innocent photograph.

Noted comedy misogynist/part-time cross-dresser Jerry Lewis reiterated his distaste for women comedians at a press conference at the Cannes Film Festival today. Here is the AP's recap:

Can't wait until August for the new—and, sadly, final—episodes of Breaking Bad? Then follow the pitfalls of Stephen Doran, a 57-year-old middle school tutor with stage III cancer who was busted this week for allegedly trafficking meth.

As higher education in America grows both more expensive and more necessary (as an entry fee to a middle class life), community colleges— the last affordable path into college— grow more important. But they're not getting any more well-funded. Quite the opposite!

It looks like Mayor Bloomberg has found himself a cause worthy of his power and billions once he leaves office. "Fucking destroying" the taxi industry, according to The New York Post.

Of yesterday's horrific terror attack in London, a former British soldier writes in the Guardian: "We need to recognise that, given the continued role our government has chosen to play in the US imperial project in the Middle East, we are lucky that these attacks are so few and far between."

All of this arrived Tuesday in a box so big I thought maybe someone was sending me a suffocated animal. I asked my boss John Cook if I could keep it and he said, "Do you even want it?" An iPod and a bottle of Moët? Yes, that is an instant Friday/living Mariah Carey song. Whatever. I was going to watch Soderberg's Liberace biopic, Behind the Candelabra, anyway (I wanna see Michael Douglas and Matt Damon fuck!). Now I'm gonna watch it in class, like Liberace would if he were alive today and used headphones for the sound on his TV. Anyway, this is the sort of shameless shit that networks do to try to buy positive coverage. We'll see if it works.

McDonald's promised to get in touch with Charles Ramsey, the Big Mac-loving hero of the Cleveland kidnappings, but never did. So over a dozen Cleveland-area restaurants decided to reach out to Ramsey in the Golden Arches' stead, and offer him free burgers for life.