The Dzokhar Tsarnaev Rolling Stone Controversy Is Kanye West's Fault

Camille Dodero · 07/22/13 04:39PM

Last week, Rolling Stone's decision to feature Dzhokhar Tsarnaev on its August 1, 2013 cover caused such a major brouhaha that Mayor of Boston denounced the magazine in a statement and a string of retailers declined to stock the issue. But the Marathon Bombing suspect wasn't the editors' first choice for the cover. Know who was? That's right, Yeezy!

Hamilton Nolan · 07/22/13 04:26PM

Penn State is requiring employees to get a "biometric screening, including a 'full lipid profile' and glucose, body mass index and waist circumference measurements" or pay a $100 monthly insurance surcharge. Penn State's president is Benito Mussolini.

The Anchor Alone With His Thoughts: Dan Rather Recaps The Newsroom

Dan Rather · 07/22/13 03:32PM

The plot thickens, the pace quickens and this new season of master screenwriter Aaron Sorkin's latest work becomes more interesting with each episode. "Gripping" might be the better word. For some viewers "addictive" may soon become more apt. By whatever description it's good, very good. And if the first 2 episodes of the new run are any indication, it'll get better every week.

Revisiting Our Last Summer Racial Shitshow, Co-Starring Barack Obama

Camille Dodero · 07/22/13 02:44PM

Four years ago today, racial profiling was America's most dominant—and ugliest—conversation. Less than a week earlier, Henry Louis Gates, Jr., a Harvard professor, preeminent scholar, and friend of Oprah, had been arrested on his Massachusetts front porch, after being suspected of robbery when, in fact, he'd been trying to enter his own home. Almost immediately, a national shitshow ensued and even the President got involved.

Jack Handey Just Can't Win

Hamilton Nolan · 07/22/13 02:36PM

Jack Handey has written "Deep Thoughts" for Saturday Night Live, "Shouts and Murmurs" for The New Yorker, and last week published his first novel, The Stench of Honolulu. He is one of the funniest living writers in the world today. He spoke to us via email about comedy, the perils of notoriety, and the best nut.

Kelly Rowland Tries to Whale-Watch for Free, Becomes Lost at Sea

Caity Weaver · 07/22/13 12:43PM

Beyoncé's former intern Kelly Rowland had to be rescued off the coast of Massachusetts over the weekend, after a private boat she was on became lost at sea, adrift in a salty ocean of self criticism, surrounded on all sides by black churning waters of regret. Actually, it was just in the regular sea. But it was hopelessly lost.

Imprison the Royal Family and Abolish the Monarchy

Hamilton Nolan · 07/22/13 12:26PM

As the world waits with bated breath for the emergence of the latest—and cutest—member of the British Royal Family, allow us to put forth a gentle reminder: In a just world, this innocent child would be going up for adoption, since its family would have been imprisoned for crimes against humanity.

George Zimmerman Just Saved Someone from a Car Accident

Max Read · 07/22/13 12:18PM

What's George Zimmerman been up to in the days since he was acquitted of the murder of Trayvon Martin? Mostly just staying in hiding and dodging death threats. But also pulling people out of overturned trucks:

Dennis Farina, Cop Turned Actor, Dead at 69

Max Read · 07/22/13 12:15PM

Dennis Farina, the Chicago cop who launched into a multi-decade acting career—including a starring role in Law and Order—from a consulting gig with director Michael Mann has died following a blod clot in his lung. He was 69.

Cord Jefferson · 07/22/13 11:22AM

A Norwegian woman who'd been arrested for having extramarital sex in Dubai after reporting an alleged rape has been pardoned. Also pardoned was the woman's former boss and alleged rapist, who had been similarly charged with having sex outside of wedlock and consuming alcohol.