President Obama has canceled his planned meeting with Russian President Vladimir Putin, citing tensions stemming from Edward Snowden, missile defense, and human rights. But we all know the real reason: You don't fuck with the Bloodhound Gang on this president's watch.

The planned demolition of the home of Ariel Castro, the man who imprisoned three young women for nearly a decade, began this morning in Cleveland's west side. The demolition comes less than a week after Castro was sentenced to life in prison, with no chance for parole, plus 1,000 years.

For the first time in history, a group of managers were able to sit down and prepare for a major project on a conference call. It's just that all the managers were al Qaeda managers, and the major project was a terrorist attack.

Daft Punk were supposed to headline the Colbert Report's annual StePhest Colbchella and play the "song of the summer," "Get Lucky." (That must have seemed slightly more plausible as the actual song of the summer a month ago, when the duo were booked.) However, because they had a deal with MTV for a surprise appearance on August 25's Video Music Awards, President of MTV Networks Music & Logo Group at Viacom, Inc., Van Toffler stepped in and put the kibosh on the Colbert Report appearance, citing contractual exclusivity.

Because of SharkNado, people have been paying more attention to Tara Reid lately, and because of that, she is having a great time. Tonight, she appeared on Shark After Dark, a live show that is new to the Discovery Channel's Shark Week lineup, which now exists solely to mock you and your childhood dreams of enlightenment through this annual exploration of the deep.

For the first time, researchers have found evidence of human-to-human transmission of the new H7N9 bird flu virus, which has killed at least 43 people in China.

Last May, Taco Bell announced that it was taking tacos too far with the creation of waffle tacos, which would be available at just five Southern California locations as part of a test run. Good news for those in Southern California, bad news for everyone else. Until Tuesday, when the fast food chain said they were expanding the waffle tacos' test run to at least 100 other stores.

San Diego Mayor Bob Filner began two weeks of intensive therapy yesterday in an effort to cure himself of a now infamous tendency to sexually harass practically any woman within grabbing distance. At last count, nine women (at least) had accused Filner of behaving inappropriately with them over the years. Today comes news of yet another harassment charge being leveled against the former 10-term Democratic congressman, and, well, it's a doozy.

There are a few basic rules in museums. The first, and most important, is: don't touch the art. Unfortunately, that's just what one 55-year-old American tourist from Missouri did during a recent a recent visit to Florence's Museo dell'Opera del Duomo. The result? A 600-year-old statue lost a finger.

A young Colorado rapper who goes by the stage name Adequate Advocate put some of his tough talking peers to shame by recording a song about engaging the local police in a standoff — while in the middle of an actual standoff with local police.

Earlier today The Washington Post's Wonk Blog offered up an image-heavy explainer to clear up any lingering questions about its new owner, Jeff Bezos. One small problem: they got a crucial answer wrong.

Here's a trailer for one of James Gandolfini's last films, Enough Said, with Julia Louis-Dreyfus. From director Nicole Holofcener, it's a romantic comedy of sorts, and Gandolfini is displaying his sensitive, vulnerable side, so often glimpsed within the actor's usual tough-guy characters.

Usher's 5-year-old son Usher Raymond V is recovering in an Atlanta hospital Tuesday afternoon, after nearly drowning while attempting to recover a toy that had become lodged in the drain of the singer's swimming pool.

Pro political tip: If you're at an American Association of Retired Persons forum in order to try and drum up senior support for your crumbling New York City mayoral campaign, it's probably best not to slur your opponent in front of all those old people by calling him "grandpa." You know this, sure, but does sext-pro Anthony Weiner know this? No.

A summer camp in Florida that offers its kids the chance to participate in a real-life version of the Hunger Games is lifting some eyebrows around the world.

A speeding New Hampshire woman's excuse that she was rushing to be by her father's deathbed nearly worked — until the state police trooper looked her up and found out her dad had died five years ago.

Here is an exhaustive rundown of the shitshow that is the Philadelphia newspaper business. (Including a Jann Wenner-esque owner putting his 20-something child in charge of an entire online operation!)

Today Washington Post columnist Richard Cohen, the paper's resident expert on racism and sexism who should be immediately fired by new owner Jeff Bezos, delves deep into the mysteries of the human heart to explain why Huma Abedin continues to stand by Anthony Weiner. He's been there, brother. See, there was this chick, "Linda," who cheated on him "a long time ago."