You like war? Good, cause we're about to get another one. Secretary of State John Kerry just laid out the Obama administration's evidence of chemical-weapons use by the regime of Syrian president Bashar al-Assad, saying "it matters here if nothing is done."

Earlier this summer, before Miley Cyrus became the most offensive white person ever to wield a foam hand and darting tongue, a young woman named Aaryn Gries spewed racist and homophobic bile on a trashy staple of modern life and television called Big Brother. Last night that woman was evicted by her competitors and confronted by audience jeers and a real, live Asian person whose primary function is not to cook rice or do nails, the host of Big Brother Julie Chen. Naturally, Gries' head exploded.

Maybe The Canyons isn't a movie, but a performance art piece about Lindsay Lohan's dramatic tardiness.

You never know when and where the mood might hit. Like, say... a Home Depot! At eight in the morning!

The average rent here in Brooklyn is over $3,000 a month. In New York City, where humans cannot afford to live, the average apartment sells for more than $1.4 million. You fools. You could have a Braveheart castle for that price!

It's not just that being poor is difficult; according to a new study, poverty actually makes it harder for you to think.

The fact that Macklemore is doing ads for Cracker Jacks that target "the ironic sensibility of millennial consumers" could inspire some long-winded and ultimately tedious rants on several topics, but instead why not just listen to some Brand Nubian?

Seamus Heaney, the Irish poet awarded the Nobel prize in 1995, died on Friday morning in Dublin hospital. He was 74.

Early Wednesday morning, someone claiming to be Hafez Assad, Syrian president Bashar al-Assad's 11-year-old son, wrote a Facebook post daring Americans to attack Syria. "I just want them to attack sooo much, because I want them to make this huge mistake of beginning something that they don't know the end of it,” part of the post reads. But is the profile real? There's strong evidence that it is.

This interspecies battle comes courtesy of Anthony Gill, a father and dog-caretaker living in from Australia, where kangaroos are very prevalent creatures. One afternoon, Gill's great dane Max decided to run after a small mob of roos and ended up getting slapped around by one of the aggressively defensive marsupials. More specifically:

In 2006, Robert Miles walked into a Syracuse convenience store with a winning scratch-off ticket worth $5 million. Seven years and one criminal trial later, Miles will finally be able to cash in his prize.

Nearly one month after the FBI received a email containing a "credible" threat to decapitate Hawaii Congresswoman Tulsi Gabbard, authorities in Mexico arrested a suspect and turned him over to the FBI.

Fergalicious fergity-ferg Fergie gave birth to her first child with husband Josh Duhamel on Thursday: a healthy baby boy. And when Fergie looked down at the tiny new life she had brought into the world—the perfect, squirming human who would, from now until forever, fill her days with joy and anxiety and excitement and fear and pride and peace and warmth, most of all warmth, simply by being alive—she thought "This baby reminds me of car parts!" and named him Axl Jack Duhamel.

In a major defeat for Prime Minister David Cameron, British parliament voted against 285-272 against taking any military action in Syria. The vote effectively ensures that Britain will not be involved with any U.S.-led military intervention against the Assad government.

Fred Mwangaguhunga, the proprietor of gossip website and chamber of all-caps hyperbole MediaTakeOut, has been making the media rounds lately. To honor the occasion, we decided to assemble an exhaustive hierarchy (from least to most exclusive, roughly) of his creation’s daily EXCLUSIVE!!! reports, which often turn out to be completely wrong. Enjoy.

Ten months after Colorado and Washington legalized recreational marijuana use, the Obama administration announced on Thursday that it will not sue to enforce federal drug laws in either state, as long as “strict regulatory schemes” are established.

"What is Zen?" STOP.The mere fact that you ask reveals you as one of the unenlightened. First, embrace the fact that you are but a tiny atomic chrysalis in the midst of a universe-sized butterfly, flapping, musically, free. Next, consider a koan— together, with us, as one.

Earlier this week, we ran a post on 12-year-old Lillian Powers, a kid who had the audacity to do something productive over her summer break: She made a series of amazing 6-second short films via Vine. She screamed in public spaces (her "random shoutout" feature), she licked her cat, she deconstructed the modern practice of selfie-taking. From the hundreds of thousands of views and thousands of Facebook shares and Twitter mentions our post This 12-Year-Old Is a Vine Genius received, it was clear that many people had agreed with what probably seemed like a hyperbolic headline.

At the Restaurant at Meadowood in Napa Valley, "the protein-light tasting [menu, featuring mostly vegetables] for two, plus wine pairings, will exceed $2,000. Is it worth it?" Hmm.

Today in news of North Korea's pathologically murderous legacy, South Korean daily Chosun Ilbo is reporting that a firing squad executed Hyon Song-wol, a Korean pop star who was widely rumored to be a long-term paramour of man-boy dictator Kim Jong-un.