Oh man you've got to be fucking kidding me.

In case you needed any further evidence that war, and perhaps particularly the war currently underway in Syria, is a barbaric and soul-sucking swamp of cruelty, the New York Times' C.J. Chivers offers up today a gruesome video of Syrian opposition soldiers executing seven captured members of Assad's forces. The soldiers are on their knees, bent sharply at the waist, shirtless. After a rebel commander known as "the Uncle" recites a religious poem, the men are shot to death by seven gunmen. The Times' video editors mercifully cut to black as the shots were fired.

As the American economy chugs along in the boom before the doom, you, the consumer, are no longer willing to settle for cheap, crappy items at low prices. And companies have heard your cries. They now offer cheap, crappy items at higher prices.

A bad first date took a turn for the criminal after a man angered by his companion's refusal to pay for her share of the bar tab stole the woman's phone in retribution.

Desperate for a band name? How about Drunken Moose Gang? (DJ Drunken Moose is already taken.) [h/t Slate]

"He looks around to make sure nobody is watching before holding out a slip of paper. It is a bank slip, and Floyd is watching me watch it as my eyes attempt to focus on the balance. ... There is more than $123 million in Floyd Mayweather Jr.'s bank account." Checking or savings?

Femen, the infamous international topless feminist protest group much-beloved by bloggers for giving them an excuse to post pictures of topless women, in the name of feminism, has been rocked by the scandalous revelation that they've been secretly run by a guy.

Richard Johnson spent a quarter century turning the New York Post's Page Six column into America's premier tabloid gossip column. Three years ago, he left for a big money gig on the West Coast. Now, he is returning home. Welcome back, you sleazeball!

An Oakland man enraged by a friend's attempt to disprove the existence of God reportedly retrieved his AR-15 assault rifle and fired several shots at the man, killing him instantly.

If you're not feeling bad enough about the end of summer, read this. You'll feel bad about autumn, and humanity in general.

BuzzFeed's McKay Coppins has a wonderfully viral-distribution-ready piece of political analysis today: "Was Mitt Romney Right About Everything?"

A Florida man who shot three of his neighbors killing two of them has cited the state's infamous Stand Your Ground law in his defense, but with a twist: William T. Woodward insists the "Bush Doctrine" of preventive war gives him the right to murder his neighbors before they murder him.

Russian President Vladimir Putin shook hands (and smiled) with President Obama on Thursday morning at the 2013 G-20 summit in St. Petersburg, Russia, where leaders of major countries were ostensibly meeting to discuss the stability of the global economy. The tense handshake — a controversial trope during Obama’s previous visits to Russia — underscored Putin’s interference with American foreign policy. Up until yesterday, Russia supplied arms to the Syrian government led by President Bashar al-Assad, and Putin has helped stanch a United Nations resolution to sanction military intervention in Syria, while demanding that such a resolution pass before Russia would support a U.S.-led strike.

This morning, the Associated Press reports that the number of unemployment applications filed last week dropped by 9,000, which is only 1,000 more than the lowest level since June 2008. So while the Labor Department's figures haven't actually hit a five-year low, they're coming pretty close.

The new baby panda at the National Zoo—the alive one, not the one that was born dead—is a girl panda, the zoo announced this morning. And genetic testing reveals that she is the offspring of the National Zoo's own resident male panda, Tian Tian.

Me: Oh god Richard Simmons what are you doing during this Jimmy Kimmel Live appearance that you made last night?

It's not every day that you hear a seasoned politician, much less the leader of a major party, publicly defend same-sex marriage against the dogmatic antagonism of a fundamentalist Christian pastor, especially in the United States.

One week ago, Shemane Nugent was arrested at Dallas/Fort Worth International Airport after TSA agents found a .38-caliber handgun in her carry-on bag. Her lawyer justified his client's lapsed judgment as an “honest mistake” to the Dallas Morning News, explaining that the 51-year-old, who has a concealed-carry license, woke up early for her flight and “completely forgot or never knew the weapon was in her bag.” The firearm was loaded.

Sure, summer is almost over. And we've already had plenty of worthy pretenders to the "Song of the Summer" throne. But that just makes this unknown duo's accomplishment that much more impressive.