Congratulations, friends: you have democratically determined that a homeless, overweight transgender Native American Muslim zoophile with a mental illness and a latex allergy is the single least privileged person in America. Now the real work begins.

National treasure Curt Kirkwood, of the Meat Puppets, is on Marc Maron's WTF podcast this week, and it is good. He was in a plane crash in the Canadian arctic once.

At the recent Medway Meltdown event hosted by WCFC (World Championship Full Contact AKA White Collar Fight Club), one fighter took the word "meltdown" a bit too literally and refused to heed the referee's call to step away from his opponent.

Nothing starts a new week off right like watching a video of someone experiencing a feeling of misery more intense than the one you're currently experiencing.

Wake up, zombie Americans! It's time to stop wasting our time jabbering about inconsequential matters like sports or cable TV shows or a "government shutdown." Our fellow citizens are, right this moment, facing an actual crisis: waiting in their cars far too long for a Sausage-n-Cheez Biscuit Combo.

Is the question posed by the person who uploaded this video along with the caption: "Kinda looks like Mitt Romney & Jim Carrey's love child."

With the deadline just hours away, Congress has a lot of work to do before almost certainly letting the government fall into a partial shutdown. This is what will (probably) happen today.

Store owner Rodney James Duve, 52, of Corpus Christi, Texas was arrested Saturday night after shooting and killing an unidentified 39-year-old man who attempted to leave his store without paying for a 12-pack of beer.

Eric Emil Lehtinen, 37, of Redmond, Washington is accused of injecting his 4-year-old son with heroin, ketamine, morphine and codeine on the day his divorce with the boy’s mother was to be finalized. When the mother showed up to the house to pick up her son after a job interview, she found them both Lehtinen and the boy unconscious.

While many are gathered around the television right now watching the finale of Breaking Bad, according to the New York Times the financial future is uncertain for many Albuquerque businesses who have come to rely on the show for sales.

Now if only everyone had a grandma like this.

30 people had to be rescued from a Duck Tour boat in the river Thames on Sunday after the “amphibious bus” caught fire right outside the Houses of Parliament in London. Many of the 28 passengers had to jump into the water to escape the flames.

Cloudy With A Chance of Meatballs 2, an animated film starring Bill Hader’s voice and Tacodile Supremes, topped the weekend box office with $35 million. Don Jon, Joseph Gordon-Levitt’s masturbatory masturbation flick, opened in fifth place with $9 million.

Weird hours, constant monitoring of traffic, an inability to explain to loved ones why you need to be on Twitter for 17 hours a day — it can just become too much for some young people working on the Internet*.

If the internet is an echo chamber, then it's my turn to say it — Breaking Bad is the best TV show currently — if not ever — on the air. And it's not just me. Ask the six million plus waiting to exhale after tonight's finale. Ask the viewers who call 911 when the cable goes out. Ask the people who wait outside Aaron Paul's house just to talk to him, which he happily does. Ask the fans who donated $1.8 million to charity, just for the chance to watch the finale in an LA cemetery.

Were House Republicans drunk when they were voting on their DOA spending bill? Totally.

Sometimes, you don't even need the breathalyzer.

Last night, Tina Fey opened Saturday Night Live's 39th season with musical guest Arcade Fire. One of the episode's highlights was this Girls-spoofing digital short that doesn't fall into the easy trap of unnecessary meanness, but rather handily skewers the major characters' self-absorption with the simple introduction of a new Girl, Albanian refugee Blerta. Highly recommended.

Myrtle Beach Police Officer William Heine may have written the best arrest report of all time after he arrested 22-year-olds Shaina Leigh Zarko and Brittany Michelle Eisman at The Aquarius, a "family hotel".