Two Americans–the captain and the chief engineer of a U.S-flagged oil ship–were abducted by armed pirates off the coast of Nigeria on Wednesday, according to U.S. Navy officials.

With each passing year, it seems, American retailers find some way to make to make "Black Friday," the terrifying shopping day after Thanksgiving, a worse experience for their poor employees. This year is no exception.

The Kardashian Klan was no doubt hoping to keep all the footage from Kanye and Kim's "Proposal in the AT&T Park" under wraps until such time as they could profit from it, but thanks to the co-founder of YouTube of all people, the crux of the ceremony is now online.

The American Magazine Conference in New York was briefly evacuated yesterday after a noxious smell filled the conference room. Turns out it was just a copy of National Review.

The revolution itself may not be televised, but on last night's edition of the BBC's Newsnight, viewers may have witnessed the start of one.

The German Foreign Ministry has summoned the U.S. ambassador over reports that the NSA monitored Chancellor Angela Merkel's cell phone. Yesterday, Merkel called President Obama to confront him about the allegations.

The former University of California Davis police lieutenant who brutally pepper-sprayed a group of peaceful Occupy protesters was awarded a $38,000 workman's compensation settlement from the school last week. The payout is about $8,000 more than each of the assaulted demonstrators received in a settlement from the university last year, according to the Davis Enterprise.

[Metal-sculpted flowers frame a foggy 605-foot Space Needle in Seattle on Wednesday. A dry, high pressure system is to blame for the week-long “fogmageddon” in Washington. Photo by Elaine Thompson via AP]

Two elementary school students from Chino, Calif. were taken to the hospital for minor injuries Wednesday after a young student “accidentally discharged” a police rifle on campus. The rifle, mounted on a police motorcycle that was on display, was part of a drug-awareness presentation.

Sonoma County sheriff’s deputies shot and killed a 13-year-old boy Tuesday as he was walking down the street carrying a toy rifle in Santa Rosa, Calif.

A high school teacher has been suspended for allegedly taping a student’s hands together and then trying to tape her mouth shut. Greg Sims, a science teacher at Lake Brantley High School in Altamonte Springs, Florida, will be suspended without pay for five days.

This past Saturday, a group of Breaking Bad rubberneckers turned up for a mock funeral that mourned the AMC series' protagonist, Walter White. Pitched as a fundraiser for the homeless, the ceremony was held at a real cemetery in Albuquerque, New Mexico, where inconsiderate shitbags loitered on grave markers of real dead people, including one of a child who didn't live to see his third birthday. For fuck's sake.

The White House has just “tweaked” Obamacare: those who purchase marketplace coverage during the open enrollment period (up through March 31) will now avoid a potential tax penalty for time spent uncovered in the first months of 2014.

Newsflash, you stupid cocks: The New Republic reports that Rebecca Martinson, author of the most deranged sorority email you will ever read, is shopping a novel she will write alongside the creative white minds behind White Girl Problems. The exercise promises to be a rough fucking ride.

Kennedy relative Michael Skakel, who was convicted in 2002 of killing a 15 year-old named Martha Moxley in 1975, has been granted a retrial. Skakel allegedly bragged on the night of Moxley’s death: “I’m going to get away with murder. I’m a Kennedy.”

Scandalous photos of Smash actress Katharine McPhee making out in public with the canceled show's director Michael Morris have rocked the B-list world.

Is your child at least six months old? Then brain scientists are able to predict how much your child will suck at math.

How do you get American citizens to care that they are being surveilled by their own government? Have a bunch of celebrities film what feels like a movie trailer about sinister forces of darkness. It's the thriller of the year, ya'll.

Alan Greenspan, the guy who saved the world right up until we realized he was responsible for destroying everything, says stocks are headed up. PANIC.

When members of the excruciatingly derivative metalcore band Altitudes stiffed their sound engineer after several long weeks of studio work, he didn't get mad — he got out his music production equipment and gave their single the EDM remix it deserved.