On Xtube and Pornhub, where he shared his voyeuristic clips, he called himself "JERKING_BUD." In real life, Seth Thompson was a collection specialist at one of Florida Atlantic University's libraries. And oh, what a collection he had on his university laptop.

A Florida corrections officer found himself behind bars — albeit for only a few minutes — after getting caught on camera slamming a suspect's head into the wall, leaving him unconscious and bleeding.

Somebody fire the bile-powered birther-conspiracy piston engine back up. The sheeple must be warned!

In an absurd twist to everything you know and love, physicists tackling what sounds like a question for the chronically stoned—"What if the entire universe is just one big hologram?"—have come to a tenuous conclusion that, yeah, that might actually be the case.

By taking a selfie with the "voluptuously curvy" "blonde bimbo" "Danish cupcake" prime minister and her "gentle gams" "covered by nothing more substantial than sheer black stockings," Barack Obama acted like "a hormone-ravaged frat boy on a road trip to a strip bar." Andrea Peyser was robbed of the 2013 Bad Sex in Fiction award.

An Arizona law enforcement officer who served as a spokeswoman for the state's Department of Public Safety was forced to resign on Monday after a federal investigation revealed she was an illegal immigrant.

Here's an important lesson to all the youngsters out there, courtesy of Fox News: Both Jesus AND Santa Claus were white.

It's cold out there this morning. Crowded, too. Lots of folks are going to work. The subways are crowded. If it is not too much of an imposition, please indulge us as we raise one more item of concern about how we must all behave on mass transit.

Stand-up comic and part-time gay bar cook Randy Liedtke has come up with a fool's foolproof way of pissing off a cop: Baking cookies that look like iPhones and then driving around with them pretending to talk.

Imagine you're driving around in your mustachioed car when suddenly the phone rings and it's Conan and he's wondering if he, Ice Cube, and Kevin Hart can hitch a ride with you to go buy some weed and 40s.

As if this story wasn't strange enough: The "fake" sign language interpreter at Nelson Mandela's memorial claims he was in the midst of a schizophrenic episode during the ceremony, causing him to hallucinate and hear voices. Meanwhile, the company that hired the hallucinating interpreter has "vanished."

Today in castings that make you go "hmmmm" in a way that is maybe more intrigued than skeptical (obviously a routinely updated news category), Jason Segel — you may remember his dick — will play the mercurial author David Foster Wallace in a new movie called The End of the Tour.

Hey, Queens people, did any of you see Guy Fieri today?

Today at a press conference in Manhattan, state Senator Liz Krueger revealed a plan to legalize and tax marijuana in the state of New York. Making weed totally chill in the eyes of the law has long been a focus of democrats in the state — including Governor Andrew Cuomo — but the New York's left currently has nothing concrete to show for their efforts.

And with that, South Park is back in the news. (17 seasons? Jesus Christ.)

This, I think we can all agree, is poor teaching. Michael Ciccareli, a history teacher at King City High in King City, Calif., was arrested today after he allegedly broke into a 15-year-old student's home and beat the hell out of the teen.

And so it begins: Construction on a highway tunnel beneath downtown Seattle was brought to an abrupt halt Friday after workers encountered a mysterious object of unknown origin lurking underground.

Ryan Loskarn, the chief of staff of veteran GOP senator Lamar Alexander who was put on leave this morning after it was revealed he was being investigated for possessing and distributing child porn, was arrested.

Last September, traffic into New York on the George Washington Bridge got jacked up when a Chris Christie appointee ordered a shutdown of toll lanes. His office said it was for a traffic study. But it may actually have been to score some getback with a local mayor who angered New Jersey's cantankerous governor.