This is how a pair of Gawker writers planned to not crash the 2013 employees-only Buzzfeed holiday party:

An Illinois woman was arrested last week after she secretly returned to the home of her ex-boyfriend and allegedly set up a series of deadly booby traps around the house.

We all know that "zen" is both a word and an idea. But what about "zenp?" Nope. That's just a meaningless sound. But what if that sound meant: "a frog?" See? Nowwww, you're getting it.

On Wednesday, December 12 of last year, at lunchtime, Sammie Eaglebear Chavez talked about shooting up his school. The 18-year-old was in the cafeteria of Bartlesville Senior High, 45 miles north of Tulsa, Oklahoma, conversing with classmates he considered friends.

This was on CNN about 20 minutes ago.

Khloé Kardashian is reportedly filing for divorce from Lamar Odom today (four years, not bad!), but who cares about that: Her stepdad is getting his Adam's Apple surgically shaved off.

To make sure everyone buys everyone the best gifts ever, this year Gawker has divided the universe of potential gift recipients into readers of our Gawker Media brother and sister sites. Previously: Kotaku Gift Guide; Jezebel Gift Guide; Deadspin Edition; Lifehacker Gift Guide.

You were never going to win the lottery. The odds were farcically low. But just in case you were keeping hope alive, we must now inform you: your odds have gotten much, much worse.

For years, Paul Rudd has been coming on Conan's various late-night talk shows to promote his various films, and for years he's been showing the exact same clip: The "infamous wheelchair scene" from 1988's infamous E.T.-ripoff-slash-feature-length-McDonald's-commercial, Mac and Me.

Tom Cruise got a lot of shit when he merely appeared to compare his job as an entertainer with the hardships endured by a soldier in Afghanistan. But when Kanye unequivicoally made that same exact comparison, he was mostly left to his own mania.

A school district in Florida is being forced to rehire an elementary school teacher who was fired last year after she allegedly force-fed hot-sauce-soaked crayons to a special needs student.

It appears that Americans may soon, at long last, get an increase in the federal minimum wage. The public is for it. Economists are for it. And today, Republican opponents may have generated their most outrageous counter-proposal yet.

Everyone who was awake last night went absolutely nuts over Beyoncé's surprise album drop. And everyone who was asleep at the time woke up this morning and went absolutely nuts.

The psychologist who convinced a Texas judge that 16-year-old Ethan Couch was too rich to know right from wrong says he shouldn't have used the word "affluenza," but insists his defense of the teen was otherwise sound.

The saga of the "fake" sign language interpreter at Nelson Mandela's memorial continues to grow stranger and darker: One day after Thamsanqa Jantjie, the interpreter, told reporters he was hallucinating during the ceremony, South Africa's eNCA reported that—over the past 20 years—Jantjie has been charged with murder, rape, theft, and kidnapping.

Rudy Kurniawan, an "all-star" in the world of incredibly expensive wine, is on trial for allegedly making millions of dollars selling counterfeit wine to rich people. Let's pull for this heroic political prisoner to beat his case.

With the typical "War on Christmas" fare getting stale and predictable, Fox News has stepped up its game, launching attacks against Festivus poles and black Santas. And the fact that shit's getting weird over there hasn't escaped Jon Stewart's radar.

Just when you thought it was safe to go to bed on a quiet Thursday night, Beyoncé has released her new album. It appears to be called BEYONCÉ — either that or it has no title at all — and is being dubbed as a "visual album," which continues 2013's trend of pop stars delivering highly anticipated albums in highly impractical formats. Let's blame it on "disruption."

If you blinked — or were off the Internet for four hours or so tonight — you might have missed that Twitter quietly altered its block feature. You might also have missed them reversing course after a swift and steady user backlash.

Maybe people will watch the show now?