iTunes says that Beyoncé's terrific self-titled album sold 828,773 digital copies worldwide in just three days (617,213 moved in the U.S.). They couldn't have paid for better promotion than...absolutely no promotion.

Protip: After firing your head chef just days before Christmas for wanting to take time off to spend with his newborn daughter (pictured, left), remember to take away his access to the restaurant's official Twitter account.

It's the least wonderful time of the year for one Louisiana woman's neighbors: for the second year in a row, she has adorned a house's roof with a giant glowing middle finger.

— "Don't you hate when people talk loudly on their phones in public?" asks professional prankster Greg Benson.

Nail polish: a weird product that girls buy. We may never know why. What we do know, thanks to actual statistics, is this: the Great Nail Polish Bubble of 2012 has burst. What gives, nailpersons?

Over the weekend, former Disney superstar Dylan Sprouse changed his Twitter bio to include his latest vocation: "n00d pic dealer."

Ray Price, one of the great voices and storytellers of the Golden Age of country music, almost died over the weekend. His son, Clifton Ray Price, certainly believed that his father—who is 87 years old and is most certainly, and inevitably, dying of cancer—had passed away on Saturday. But after Price's wife angrily contradicted that report yesterday, the younger Price wrote on his dad's Facebook page that he had "been deceived by some cruel people" and that his dad was indeed "still hanging on." He's going to die, though. Soon. So listen to "Night Life," written by Price's old bass player Willie Nelson. It's the title track from the greatest concept record ever made, a louche, slightly slurred, lipstick-on-your-collar tour through the drunken disintegration of the middle-class American family.

It's Monday again, so here's a video that perfectly illustrates the rest of the work week.

Remember Bianca Levin, Cory Booker’s Hollywood girlfriend? The Yale grad and entertainment lawyer, first tied to Booker by Page Six last month, turned up in an Open Public Records Act request filed by Gawker for the infamously private New Jersey senator’s correspondence. Neither Booker nor Levin have confirmed the relationship, so thus far we've only had the New York Post’s good word to go on. These records appear to confirm the fling.

Patch, AOL's national network of hyperlocal news sites, was born with a big idea: that local news can be profitable... somehow. That may be true. But Patch won't be the one to reap the rewards.

The 86-year-old winner of Howard Stern's "I Want to Get My Grandpa Laid" contest was sadly unable to claim his prize after choking to death on a piece of steak just hours before he was scheduled to have a threesome with two high-class hookers.

Forty years after it started investigating triclosan, an anti-bacterial ingredient in liquid soaps, the FDA has found no evidence that the chemical actually prevents the spread of germs. Unless they can prove their effectiveness, manufacturers may have to relabel or discontinue their anti-bacterial products.

After taking a "sick day" to recover from a bout of racism, Megyn Kelly was back in front of the cameras on Friday to read off the statement penned for her by Damage Control.

College is about education. Wrong! College is a busine$$. And for some college presidents, business is very, very good.

A high school senior from Georgia won't graduate after being suspended for a year and will have a tough time paying for college after being stripped of his scholarship — all for hugging a teacher.

Now we know why "fake" sign language interpreter Thamsanqa Jantjie was charged with murder in 2003: According to reports in the Associated Press and Johannesburg's Sunday Times, the interpreter was one of several people who burned two accused thieves to death by setting fire to tires placed around their necks.

Officials at Harvard University are instructing students to evacuate four campus buildings, including a freshman dorm, following unconfirmed reports of explosives placed inside.

Award-winner Wichita anchor/reporter Justin Kraemer has been in the business a long time, so it's understandable that working the weekend shift isn't exactly his cup of tea.

If you're the Toronto mayor, going to church is one way to redeem yourself for having spent the past few months calling reporters pedophiles, knocking over city councillors, talking about your wife's pussy in public, and, of course, smoking crack. Another way to redeem yourself would be to resign, but that's just not Rob Ford's style.

A reporter at TIME magazine recently got a phone call from a woman named Samantha West who wanted to talk about health insurance. When the reporter asked her if she was a robot, she laughed and said, "I am a real person, can you hear me okay?"