The scientific consensus about what will happen to billions of humans over the next century as climate change intensifies: "We'll die."

Is there no end to Rob Ford's talents? Minutes after sort-of apologizing to Toronto Star reporter Daniel Dale yesterday for calling the journalist a pedophile, the mayor was cutting a rug to a jazz band doing "One Love" on the floor of the council chambers.

Samuel L. Jackson in sweats, "Toby" Maguire being told to keep his fucking mouth shut, Arcade Fire performing "Little Drummer Boy" like a whole bunch of weirdoes, terrible gifts, and a seemingly unending barrage of awkwardly inappropriate questions — what more could possibly ask for in a Christmas special?

"Edward Snowden doesn't show up once in Google's list of top 2013 searches." Guess he wasn't important then. Back to your Harlem Shake videos, America.

Christmas has come a few days early for Justin Bieber haterz: The man-boy "bitch banger" announced yesterday that he plans to retire from the music biz after his latest album drops so he can focus more on sleeping with South American prostitutes.

Billionaire New York mayor-for-life Mike Blomberg has a dream: a dream that one day, through sheer spending power alone, he can build an editorial Centrist Dream Team that is as lavishly paid as it is widely ignored. His dream has come true.

Lostprophets frontman Ian Watkins was sentenced today to serve 29 years behind bars and another six under "strict probation," for, among other horrifying things, the attempted rape of a baby.

Florida attorney Mark O'Mara is being investigated by the state bar for an undisclosed possible violation of ethical rules in connection with his defense of George Zimmerman. What could he have done wrong?

It's hard enough being an elderly woman in today's society, what with sexism, ageism, and those bizarre "brooches" everyone expects you to wear. So hey, old ladies: don't make it harder on yourself by being so lazy. Get up and MOVE!

A North Carolina mother is accusing security guards at a local hospital of forcibly ejecting her son from the hospital for being "uncooperative" — despite the fact that he was either dying or already dead.

Britain will begin issuing plastic money in 2016. If only someone could come up with a jaunty lede... "Paper or plastic? No, not what kind of bag do you want your purchases in; it's what kind of money you'll use to pay for them, at least in Britain."

A South Carolina man who was unwilling to walk his father's dog because it was raining outside thought he had come up with an acceptable solution: Using the dog's leash to dangle it from his second-story balcony.

Monday night, Australian police had to rescue a tourist after she accidentally walked off a pier because she was too busy checking Facebook on her phone.

This seeing eye dog, Orlando, leapt onto the subway tracks yesterday to save his blind master. Would your dog do the same thing?

Brazil has no official interest in granting Edward Snowden permanent asylum, despite the NSA whistleblower's open letter to the country offering to help investigate the United States' massive data-mining program.

At least two people won the $636 million Mega Millions jackpot tonight — one in Georgia and one in California. Because you're never going to win the lottery, but if you do, it'll be the night someone else wins too.

A Connecticut jury awarded the ex-wife of former Bush White House deputy counsel John Michael Farren $28 million in damages after Farren brutally attacked her with a flashlight when she asked for a divorce.

Don't get it mixed up with the other little blue pill — the FDA posted a warning this morning alerting young males to the fact that methylphenidate, the active ingredient in Ritalin and Concerta, can lead to long-lasting, painful erections. The agency formally documented the problem in men aged 8-33.

[Cecil Williams, a 61-year-old blind man, was struck by a train after he fainted on the subway platform this morning. His seeing eye dog tried to stop him from falling and barked, alerting passersby. Both Williams and his dog, Orlando, were hit, but escaped serious injuries. "The dog saved my life," Williams said. Photo by John Minchillo via AP.]