Here's some terrible news to mark the beginning of permanent fire season in California: It's going to stay like this, hot and dry, until May. The Climate Prediction Center says winter will come and go without the usual winter storms that provide the snowpack that provides all the water people use. Fire conditions will be awful until summer, when they will continue being awful until next winter, if winter ever shows up again.

Thursday morning on the Today show, 13-year-old recovering reality star Cara Gosselin established herself as the most powerfully silent teen on television. Behold:

"A condemned Ohio inmate appeared to gasp several times and took more than 15 minutes to die Thursday as he was executed with a combination of drugs never before tried in the U.S." Dennis McGuire's attorney called the execution "a failed, agonizing experiment by the state of Ohio."

Scott Sipprelle is a venture capitalist and a former New Jersey Republican congressional candidate. He would like to share some barely-concealed class war rhetoric with the haughty poors of New York City, for some reason!

Sorry, that's "two-time Academy Award nominee Jonah Hill tells the most tragic airplane romance story of all time."

Residents of Philadelphia can finally relax: A man accused of being the city's famed Swiss cheese fucker has reportedly been arrested.

Even for a My Strange Addiction enthusiast like myself, this segment was hard to swallow (I just don't buy the dirty diapers that this woman is selling, nor would I ever!). But I'm glad Jezebel covered it because it cracked me up in the same way, I suppose, professional wrestling energizes its more aware enthusiasts. Quite possibly the most absurd thing I've ever seen on television.

Inspired by our coverage of correct pizza-reheating technique, Bon Appetit has assembled a slideshow of leftover-warming advice, ranging from the helpful (toast your pancakes? OK!) to the insane (why would any person heat up pie?). You can clean out your fridge now.

A woman whose phone was recently pickpocketed found a surprise when she checked her online storage account a week later: Uploaded to the account, apparently directly from her phone, were a series of nude selfies and a pornographic video of the couple the woman believes stole her phone.

Our sister site Jezebel, which has a grand history of documenting precisely how grotesquely fashion magazines digitally carve up their cover subjects into impossible avatars of manufactured beauty, is offering a $10,000 bounty for original, unphotoshopped images from Lena Dunham's recent Vogue shoot. Hopefully Dunham will hand them over and collect.

"Vinyl record sales have risen to 6 million in 2013, a sixfold increase from 2007 sales." Everyone became a DJ after they were laid off in the recession.

"It's absurd that a country like that sends four lesbians to Russia just to demonstrate that in their country gay rights have (been established)," an Italian member of the International Olympic Committee says of the U.S. delegation for the upcoming Winter Olympics. Huh? What do you mean, "a country like that"?

New York Governor Andrew Cuomo apparently likes to ask people if they think his attorney general, Eric Schneiderman, wears eyeliner. What do you think?

David Eckert, who was given three enemas as part of a humiliating search after a routine traffic stop last year, has received a $1.6 million settlement from a county and city in New Mexico.

What you are looking at is the word "butt," on television, unintentionally.

Pizza Hut veered sharply into the avant garde when it announced this week that it would sell pizza by the slice. But is America ready for the nation's best pizza chain to try something even more outlandish?

[A wildfire burns in the hills just north of the San Gabriel Valley community of Glendora, Calif., on Thursday. Southern California authorities have ordered the evacuation of homes at the edge of a fast-moving wildfire burning in the dangerously dry foothills of the San Gabriel Mountains. Image via Nick Ut/AP.]

He's gonna be sore tomorrow!

Now we know why tweeting cancer chronicler Lisa Bonchek Adams was so blindsided by the critical columns ex-New York Times editor Bill Keller and his wife, Emma, wrote about her last week: The duo approached Adams as a friend and offered her lodgings during her treatment in New York.

What Being a Writer Feels Like: "Every day I see people shrugging with a derisiving look when I say being a writer is what I carve myself out to be."