Rep. Darrell Issa is the chairman of the House oversight committee, and also an alleged repeat car thief. He's spent most of the past few years seeking evidence of criminal wrongdoing in the Obama White House. And Rep. Elijah Cummings has just about had enough of his shit.

Michele Bachmann herp a derp derp derp derpity herpy derp the Jews herp herp derpy derpaderp Obama. Derp?

On Wednesday, a gang of 10 to 15 gunmen threatened a senior U.N. diplomat in Crimea, eventually forcing him to leave the region just hours after after he arrived to evaluate the invasion by the Russian military.

[Photo via Imgur and Towleroad]

Flying, once a quirky luxury, has not completed its transition into an unavoidable descent to hell. The experience of flying on commercial airlines grows more excruciatingly painful by the day.

Beat scientists were so preoccupied with whether or not they could remix Jeff Goldblum's laugh from Jurassic Park, they didn't stop to think if they should. And now we've got this.

O HAI ME NUTHN, JUST LAUNCHIN' DIS AIM-9 SIDEWINDER AIR-2-AIR MISSILE U?

Daily Mail has latest in British people waking up weird: "George Michael Quit Cannabis After Waking from Coma Speaking in West Country Accent." That's a damn good headline, even if you have no idea what a West Country accent sounds like.

During their meeting today in Paris, Secretary of State John Kerry and Russian Foreign Minister Sergey V. Lavrov failed to broker a face-to-face meeting between Russian and Ukrainian leaders. Kerry and Lavrov will meet again tomorrow in Rome.

A newly published study found no transmission of HIV from positive people on antiretroviral drug therapy (with resulting "undetectable" viral loads) to their negative partners. That's huge. This piece on the study states, "No transmissions is not the same as zero chance of transmission." Pretty fucking low, regardless.

Nick Denton, our boss, recently issued yet another of his trademark bank-shot public memoranda, using a follow-up tweet to a Forbes.com outtake of his previously published interview with Playboy to announce what it is that he would like the staff of Gawker to do:

Have you been going through life concerned that the music you listen to just might not be cool enough? Well, wonder no more! The good people at Priceonomics have you covered.

Have you ever had one of those nights when you're like, really hungry, but you're so drunk that those assholes at the pizza place won't serve you anymore, so you just decide to light the building on fire with homemade moonshine?

The SAT is ditching its essay requirement to return to the 1600-point scoring scale. But that's not all: It's also dumbing itself down by removing some of the more obscure and difficult vocabulary words, like ''prevaricator'' and ''sagacious," in favor of more commonly-used words.

Remember 2004, when Karl Rove got a dingleberry re-elected president in part by mobilizing conservatives to vote down gay marriage in a bunch of states? Well, it's only taken a decade, but gay marriage is winning. And the pace is picking up.

The Nybro Action Team consists of Hjalmar Sveinbjőrnsson and Alex Bejerstrand, two under-employed friends and former Nybro residents now living in northern Sweden. Hjalmar is a student and a chef; Alex helps run his father's talent agency. They will be recapping Season 3 of HBO's Girls.

"I don't have to read the Heidegger assignment, because he was an angry anti-Semite Nazi" is now officially an acceptable response to your undergraduate existentialism professor.

Mardi Gras in New Orleans is so packed that tourists are willing to pay cash for a comfortable place to poop, and now there's an app that toilet owners can use to take their money.

"ME: Married, with a Boca Raton trailer, a Klan flag, a Confederate flag with a skull, a 'members wanted' sign, and a lovely wife, ISO same. Had a noose, but uppity neighbors made me take it down. Are you my white-horsed grand knight in shining hood?"

In ancient times, "The Bowery" was a synonym for New York City's seedy, seething underworld. Today, the final remnants of Bowery poverty are, like any good metaphor, moving to Brooklyn and being replaced by a boutique hotel.