New York in the summer: a place where people go to eat food, buy things, and do shit. Any number of websites will tell you how to achieve maximum fun potential from June to September, squeezing apple juice from the Statue of Liberty until the well has run dry. Why not let me explayn it to you instead?

EAT

Bordeauxnut

A donut that is fried in oil cut with France’s finest Bordeaux. Voilà.

Spaghetti Burger

Surely you’ve heard of the Ramen burger. Do the math, motherfucker. $17 at my food truck out back.

Notable Person Presents: Mess Hall of Small Plates

I’m on a TV show and I think you’d like my ceviche.

Canadian Ice Cream

Ice cream: a delicious treat that anyone can enjoy and that can be acquired in a number of ways, from ice cream trucks to stalls at Smorgasb*rg to chest freezers in bodegas. Another thrilling thing that makes New York so great. But only a real New Yorker—one who actually knows a thing or two about good ice cream and how it’s really made—would go the extra distance for the real stuff. When craving a sweet treat, one must get into a Zipcar, drive the six or seven hours across the border into Canada, acquire ice cream made from the North country’s sweetest maple syrup, and then bring it back home that night—without stopping to relieve oneself. That is what a real New Yorker would do. No exceptions, no punkasses, no herbs.

Lobster Roll

A pristine scam that needs no updating. Eat it anywhere.

BUY

Flea Market

Run by Flea from the Red Hot Chili Peppers but I bet you thought I was going to say a market where the only product for sale is fleas. A little known fact about Flea from the Red Hot Chili Peppers is that his second passion—after bass playing—is collecting vintage Le Creuset French Ovens. Open all year-round, rain or shine. The Flea is...under the bridge...

A French Press, Tiny Little Cactus, and Something Gold and Geometric

If you find these three items in one store, you win the New York scavenger hunt and your rent is free for one month!!!!!

DO

Silent Rave...With Music

Come to Union Square at 8 p.m. sharp tonight. Bring only your iPhone, your earbuds, and a positive attitude! Get ready to dance your ass off at one of New York’s hottest raves, where you will put in your headphones as though you’re listening to music but there is still a DJ playing Drake over a loudspeaker. It’s wild, loud, and confusing. Why the earbuds? This is New York, baby! No questions—just feel the dance.

Governors Bail

If there is one thing New Yorkers love, it’s a festival on a remote island that is both exorbitantly priced and impossible to reach. In a new twist on beloved classic, we send festival-goers to Governors Island under the auspices that they will see acts like “Dragon Dragon” (??) and “METSUK” (?????). Upon arrival, they are informed that they are forevermore imprisoned on the island. Their phones, wallets, and MDMA are confiscated. If they are smart enough to escape back to their “one-bedroom apartments” in “Brooklyn,” they have truly had the best Governors Bail weekend of their lives and are permitted to share one photo on Instagram.

Price: $400. Absolutely no refunds. It’s insulting that you’d ask.

A Roof Party

But first you must learn parkour.

Illustration by Tara Jacoby/Image via Getty.