Used to be that bankers were men—big men, who were at least bluffing at having big dicks, who worked themselves half to death, then partied like rock stars, if rock stars were incredibly boring conversationalists. Nowadays? Banks are trying to make their employees fucking church ladies.

Do church ladies know how to make a million dollars in the morning, lose a million dollars in the afternoon, and put hookers on a corporate credit card, and do it all again the next day, until running headlong into an existential crisis over the meaninglessness of it all? I don't fucking think so, my friend. First, Goldman Sachs told its pussy young employees they couldn't work a thousand hours a week. Now, it's getting worse—the rules are moving higher up the ladder.

Bloomberg reports that an unidentified bank in London has sent out a memo imposing "midnight curfews for client entertainment — though if it's with junior staff, fun has to wrap up by 10 p.m." Are you fucking shitting me? Real fucking bankers haven't even hit the strip club by midnight, for client purposes. What's that? It gets worse? That's right—various banks have also banned entertaining clients in strip clubs, buying bottle service for clients, and even buying shots for clients. (Shots! How the fuck are we supposed to convince these people to hire us without shots?)

Apparently insider trading, fraud, and packaging female concubines into tradeable securities are also illegal now.

Why the fuck did we even get into this business?

[Photo of Goldman Sachs' senior leadership team: Shutterstock]