This week's issue of New York magazine features a cover story written (or "told") by Alec Baldwin. Reconfirming the fact that he's incapable of saying anything without sounding like an asshole, the essay reveals Baldwin's mostly scathing opinions on Rachel Maddow, Anderson Cooper, Shia LaBeouf, Tina Fey, the LGBT community, life in New York City, and more.

Baldwin starts the essay by referring to a trans man as a "tranny." Making matters worse? Baldwin uses the slur in the middle of his explanation of how he's learned to respect the LGBT community since his "cocksucking fag" incident last fall.

One young man, an F-to-M tranny, said, "Are you here to get dry-cleaned, like Brett Ratner?" Meaning I could do some mea culpa, write them a six-figure check, go to a dinner, sob at the table, give a heartfelt speech, beg for forgiveness. I thought to myself: Beg for forgiveness for something I didn't do?

I said, "No. I don't want to get dry-cleaned. I don't want to be decontaminated by you, Karen Silkwood–wise, scrubbed down. I want to learn about what is hurtful speech in your community. I want to participate in some programs about that. Or underwrite one. And then, like you, I just want to be left alone."

Baldwin blames his repeated terrible behavior on others, including his "cocksucking fag" (or, as Baldwin initially claimed, his "cocksucking fathead") rant.

But—I'm sorry, I can't let go of this—do people really, really believe that, when I shouted at that guy, I called him a "faggot" on-camera? Do you honestly believe I would give someone like TMZ's Harvey Levin, of all people, another club to beat me with?

What happened is, a TMZ videographer ambushed me as I was putting my family in a car, and I chased him down the block and said, "Cocksucking motherfucker" or whatever (when I have some volatile interaction with these people, I don't pull out a pen and take notes on what I said). I knew that guy. This was a guy who is on a bike usually, and when we get in a car, he follows us. Very aggressive. The same guy who followed my wife on a bicycle, and when she slipped and fell trying to dodge him and hurt her leg, he laughed at her and said, "See what I made you do?" At my wife. How would that make you feel?

The incident led to criticism from gay members of the media, including Andrew Sullivan and Anderson Cooper (members of the "Gay Department of Justice," according to Baldwin). Later in the essay, he calls Cooper "the self-appointed Jack Valenti of gay media culture."

Baldwin also took aim at his old colleagues at MSNBC. To Baldwin, Morning Joe is "boring," its host is "neither eloquent nor funny," and Lawrence O'Donnell is "too smart" for the network.

Rachel Maddow, who Baldwin believes might have pushed for his firing from the network, is "a phony who doesn't have the same passion for the truth off-camera that she seems to have on the air."

Baldwin addressed his brief time working with Shia LaBeouf on the Broadway play Orphans, calling the plagiarizing actor someone who carries "a jailhouse mentality wherever he goes." He also said that LaBeouf was fired from the production.

I said, "I'll tell you what, I'll go." I said don't fire the kid, I'll quit. They said no, no, no, no, and they fired him. And I think he was shocked. He had that card, that card you get when you make films that make a lot of money that gives you a certain kind of entitlement. I think he was surprised that it didn't work in the theater.

Baldwin also discussed his previously charmed, humble brag-filled life in New York City.

I loved to be out in the city. New York was my town. I've had people come up to me and say, "You're a great New Yorker. You've given your time and money to so many New York charities. You're a great supporter of the arts. I like some of your movies—and some of your movies suck, actually." (It's New York, so people give you their unvarnished opinion.)

All that, Baldwin says, changed after the "cocksucking fag" rant, which Baldwin says cost him not just his lucrative Capital One endorsement deal (which he donated to charity) and sponsors on his WNYC podcast, but also his friendship with New York mayor Bill de Blasio.

All of which has caused Baldwin to consider abandoning New York for Los Angeles.

I probably have to move out of New York. I just can't live in New York anymore. Everything I hated about L.A. I'm beginning to crave. L.A. is a place where you live behind a gate, you get in a car, your interaction with the public is minimal. I used to hate that. But New York has changed. Manhattan is like Beverly Hills. And the soul of New York has moved to Brooklyn, where everything new and exciting seems to be. I have to accept that. I want my newest child to have as normal and decent a life as I can provide. New York doesn't seem the place for that anymore.

Baldwin ends the essay by renouncing his public life and referencing LaBeouf's recent bizarre behavior.

Shia LaBeouf went to a film screening recently and he wore a bag over his head and the bag says I AM NOT FAMOUS ­ANYMORE. And there was truly a part of me that felt sorry for him, oddly enough.

[Image via AP]