A new poll shows that 85% of Americans are "concerned" about their ability to retire. Psht. Come on. Wise up. You people are being completely unrealistic. (We're talking to the 15% of you who are not concerned.)

It has been quite well established in recent years that, with the exception of a tiny handful of insanely wealthy individuals, no one in America alive today will be able to retire successfully, particularly not you. Reasons include, but are not limited to: poor financial planning, shady investment products that will inevitably fail, political mismanagement of fiscal matters, and a failed lifelong struggle to escape debt incurred in misguided pursuit of the "American Dream," which is dead. The "new normal" is elderly people who must work unto death, or penurious starvation, whichever comes first.

Since 15% of Americans clearly have not absorbed this bitter truth yet, allow us to also point out that America's corporations currently have a $347 billion pension gap, meaning that the first $347 billion of your pension will come in the form of I.O.U.'s issued by a company that is likely teetering on the edge of bankruptcy, a once-proud corporate titan unable to survive in the age of Twitter. Furthermore, your inevitable divorce in middle age will sap your minute financial resources to the point that you are changing your personal definition of "successful retirement" to "ability to pay two consecutive months rent on a studio apartment in an undesirable part of town."

In conclusion, none of you (except that rich asshole, Steve) will be able to retire—unless you learn my Twelve Top Secret Retirement Tips They Don't Want You to Know, available for three easy payments of $19.95 in my Paypal account. Think of it as an investment. That sounds like something Americans would do.

[Photo: James Schwartz/ Flickr]