Who Are These Eurotrippers Swimming Around in the Open Sewer That Is Venice?
There are so many reasons not to go swimming in the open sewer that is St. Mark's Square in Venice right now.
The first is that the weather in Venice on Monday was 57°F and overcast – not great swimming weather.
The second is that the water currently flooding Venice is so dirty we don't even have time here to describe all the ways in which it is dirty. Venice's sewage flows right into its lagoon, which has now flowed right back into Venice. St. Mark's square is famous for the hoards of pigeons that make their homes and bathrooms there. Even if the water flooding Venice had come straight from a giant bottle of Evian, you probably still wouldn't want to swim in it, because, unlike a swimming pool, Venice is not a swimming pool. Like many streets, these are coated with traces of old food, dog urine, and drunk Eurotrippers' vomit. There are so many unidentifiable nouns floating in it. The water is not, as we say on Jeopardy, a potent potable.
The third is that, rather than go for a swim in the open sewer that is Venice, locals have been trudging around in rubber boots, with garbage bags strapped all the way up to their thighs, so that they do not come into contact with the water.
The fourth is that, even though, at 5 feet, the water has reached the sixth highest flood level on record, 5 feet of water is too shallow for diving according to your standard public pool, "Pool Rules." What's the use of going swimming if you can't dive in, right? Highfive.
The fifth is that, even if a photographer for the Associated Press photographs you doing swimming around in the open sewer that is Venice, you will never become famous if you don't give the photographer your name.
And, yet, some tourists are still heading out for a few laps around the ol' Venice.
Gaze now upon "a young man and woman" as they frolic show-offily in their bathing costumes.
For, tomorrow, they die of dysentery.
