Charlie Sheen gave a ranty interview today to conservative radio host Alex Jones while he vacationed in the Bahamas. In less than 20 minutes, Sheen claimed he cured his alcoholism "with my mind," referred to his porn star lovers as his "goddesses," called out his imagined opponents—"fools and trolls"— in macho-baroque soliloquies, and insulted Two and a Half Men creator Chuck Lorre in anti-Semitic fashion: "I violently hate Chaim Levine (Chuck Lorre). He's a stupid, stupid little man and a pussy punk that I'd never want to be like."

You really should listen to the entire thing! It was so outrageous that CBS just announced they're shutting down Two and a Half Men for the rest of the season "based on the totality of Charlie Sheen's statements, conduct and condition." Probably a good idea.

Here are some of the craziest parts:

On his harem of pornstars:

Let me just say this about the goddesses. I don't think the term is good enough. But when you're bound by these terrestrial descriptions you must use the best choice available.

So if you think about it dude, I'm oh-for-three with marriage with nary an excuse. Like in baseball, the scoreboard doesn't lie. Never has. So what we all have is a marriage of the heart—of the hearts. And to sully, contaminate or radically disrespect this unit with a shameful contract I will leave to the amateurs and the bible-grippers.

On his recent state of mind:

I'm sorry, man, but I've got magic. I've got poetry in my fingertips. Most of the time - and this includes naps - I'm an F-18, bro. And I will destroy you in the air. I will deploy my ordinance to the ground."

On love and hate:

My motto now is you must either love or you hate. And you must do so violently. And you have to hate everybody who is not in your family because they will destroy your family, and they will come at you in all forms and shapes. And therefore there's nothing in the middle. Don't live in the middle because that's where you get slaughtered. That's where you get embarrassed in front of the prom queen. And within that is tremendous focus and tremendous clarity and tremendous peace because you have absolute and total resolve about your decisions.

If you love with violence and hate with violence there is nothing that can be questioned. And people say 'oh, you've got to work through your resentment. Yeah, no. I'm going to hang onto them and they're going to fuel my attack. And they're going to fuel the battle cry of my secret and silent soldiers. Because they're all around you. Anyway, you thought you were just messing with one dude? Sorry: Winning!

Sheen claims in the interview he's completely clean these days, even going so far as to bash A.A. So, this is just how he talks regularly? The Charlie Sheen motivational speaking tour needs to happen now.

[Image via Getty]