How to Become the Next Great Pundit

The Washington Post hasn't had much luck with its own crappy Op-Ed columnists, so the paper's launching another contest to find "America's Next Great Pundit." As a public service, we've assembled this surefire guide to scoring this low-paid, part-time gig.

• Punditry means looking ever outward, never inward; grow corpulent yourself, but persist in mocking the appearance of others.
• A useful phrase for pundits: "Never show, always tell." Declare yourself to be "funny" despite a total lack of evidence of humor in your work.
• Research is for reporters, not pundits. State up front that you have no idea what the subject of your column actually is.
• Pundits are judged by their career credentials rather than the content of their characters; to be on the safe side, keep the content of your character a secret.
• Use your platform as a pundit primarily to blast those who are insufficiently worshipful of your beautiful mind.
• Marry the boss. After this, your punditry can be whatever self-absorbed bullshit you want.
• Express shock and outrage that your competitors would try to compete with you. What part of "Great Pundit" did they not understand?
• Pundits know politics. They do not know morality. They do not know legality. They do not know ethics, nor righteousness, nor poetry. Politics. Get it right.
• What's the conventional wisdom? What's the slightly lefthanded spin on the conventional wisdom? What's the slightly righthanded spin on the conventional wisdom? Can you find the space exactly between these two mild takes on the conventional wisdom? What is that space called? The conventional wisdom! Write that. Now you're the smartest man in Washington.
• And you can never go wrong complimenting the Washington Post!

[Photo via Getty]