Just when you thought it was safe to go to Central Park with a basket of cheese and things like that, whoa, stop. Crime in Central Park is skyrocketing more than anywhere else. Are you in terrible danger? (Probably).

The latest NYPD stats show that felonies are up 52% in the park this year. The precinct with the next highest increase, down in Coney Island where there is actually real crime, was only up 15%. Therefore, one way to look at it is that Central park is now more than three times as dangerous as where Stephon Marbury grew up.

Or, a more accurate way to look at it is that there was very little crime in the park to begin with, so a small number of extra incidents will raise the crime percentages by a lot. The NYP reports that there have been 64 felonies, total, in the park this year. That's like, two per week. Child's play! Have you seen how big this park is? It's huge! And most of it is trees and grass, and neither of those is a felony (except more than 28 grams of grass).

So don't worry, New Yorkers: grab your wine and cheese and assorted other yuppie foods and head to Central Park, where crime is rare and the air is fair. Unless you run across these punk ass teens who singlehandedly raised the felony rate by about 5% in 30 minutes this week. Keep in mind this safety tip from Herbert Willis of Brooklyn: "I know kung fu, which is all right unless they got a gun." Exactly right.

Celebrate New York!

[Pic: Ed Yourdon]