These modern students: Can they do anything right? Whether falling behind their grade school classmates, graduating from high school without being able to count out change, or cheating on all their college tests, they're turning out to be major disappointments.

Hey kids, it's hard for us to teach you anything if you insist on never learning anything. You're embarrassing us. In our day, all the kids, from the smart to the dumb, would sit together in a classroom for a full year together, the dumb ones totally lost, the smart ones bored out of their mind, the teachers trying to walk an impossible path and satisfying only the few nerds in the middle. This educational system won WWII. Now, schools across the country are "grouping students by ability" and advancing them once they master the material at hand, rather than robotically advancing them once per calendar year regardless of their ability or lack thereof.

Does anyone else hear the sultry sounds of socialism? What is this "ability"-based schooling actually teaching our future NFL players? Money is the most important thing in America, but only now, in the year 2010, are our schools getting around to teaching our kids the skills necessary to run a bodega. How bad is it? "'To me, financial literacy is the fourth 'R',' said Ramon Gonzalez, 38, the school's principal."

Our principals are not even literate.

So who's to blame? The kids themselves, of course. If our kids had one ounce of the moral fiber of their forefathers who slaughtered every last Red Indian on the Western plains, then colleges today wouldn't find it necessary to turn themselves into heavily-monitored prisons, banning traditional test-taking tools like scratch paper, gum, and chewing tobacco (we assume) to combat the new and sneaky ways that kids have dreamed up to cheat on tests using advanced electronic gadgetry so they can go on to use new drugs we never dreamed up before, like "Meow Meow," which is probably part of the homosexual agenda that sets these kids on the wrong path in the first place, during the Clinton years.

Shape up.

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