The Federal Reserve is rolling out new $100 bills. Pity. We quite liked the current design: clean, uncluttered, bold, and crisp on the fingertips (or so we hear). Now it looks like a god damn child's crayon scratch pad.

Visible woven purple security ribbon? Big orange inkwell thing with a bell in the middle? A gold "100," and a feather in the background, and some big yellow splotch, and tiny graffiti written all over it? Why not just turn over a sheet of blank currency paper to a kindergarten class and come back in an hour? Was this bill designed by Coogi? Are we some Third World Banana Republic unable to keep gaudy hues off the face of our worthless currency? Mortifying.

It's a good thing only a few dozen Americans are wealthy enough to possess one of these "hundred dollar" monstrosities. Give me the old version and let me be on my way to my counterfeiter, thank you.