The problem when discerning truth from fiction in the essential matter that's Lindsay Lohan's wellness is: all parties involved are fame-hungry. When estranged Michael Lohan wants to help his daughter, it almost elicits empathy. Almost. Except it just got scary.

Lindsay Lohan and momager Dina have made it very, very clear that the order of protection they have against Michael means that he needs to stay as far away from them as he can. He's wiretapped conversations with Dina and tried to sell them. They're getting orders of protection and are telling the press they're scared. And Michael's hitting the press trail with everyone who'll listen.

But this is a little too intense. Sure, Michael Lohan looks like a bad James Woods character, and there's no question that he's desperate to be a power-barnacle on his family's dwindling resources of fame. But the taping of calls proves the criminal length to which he's willing not to help, but to go public with his "cause" in order to draw attention to himself. All of this begs the question: if Lohan actually needs help, how would Michael Lohan even know?

It doesn't matter. Because when you do shit like this, even if they're just for theatrics, you're insane, and possibly, dangerous, and even worse, shameless about how dangerously insane you are in the name of "protecting" your daughter while trying to invoke a higher power to electrocute you.

Hollywood gossip is a joke and the people who take it seriously are just as funny, and the fact that there's a massive industry built around it is hysterical if you can laugh through the sadness. I'm of the opinion that one shouldn't take it as anything but a big, sad joke. And it's hard to feel bad for one of that big joke's biggest characters, Lindsay Lohan, and her self-subscribed fates.

But here's someone who's already had a long, long life, no matter who made it hard. And of all the things Lindsay Lohan did to herself, I still can't imagine actually being able to will something like Michael Lohan into their existence repeatedly. Unless their name is Dina Lohan.

Now I feel bad for her.