The Week A Bald Tool Destroyed America's Dreams

So the media, financial, and entertainment industries continued to melt down this week! So no one has any work! So your monkey tried to kill a woman! Get over it, America!

• Conveniently for internet list-generations purposes, there were precisely ten notable moments during this year's Oscars telecast. And the Slumdog kids won houses and rickshaws!
• Then we all Tweeted toward Bethlehem to be boring.
• Al Sharpton wrote an open letter to the New York Post, and God wrote an open letter to Martha Stewart's juvenile sense of humor.
• Heartwarming stories of the week: Rupert Murdoch inspiring devotion to his children. And Jeff Bezos is bringing laughter to the world! And, uh, bankers! They are like adorable lost kittens, the bankers.
• Annie Leibovitz was forced to pawn all her photos, and the internet was forced to pwn Annie Leibovitz.
• The media news was as depressing as ever. Octogenarian gossip columnist Liz Smith got canned, we made fun of alll the newly online-only ventures that will fail this year, NBC begged a second crappy past-his-prime comedian to save their network, Lily Allen stole our bit and trashed the Times, and, in the week's worst news, fucking Hosea—Hosea!—won Top Chef.
• Traditionally, use of the phrase "moral hazard" meant "I am a douchebag and I probably go out with one of these ladies." But now everyone says it, because of the economy.
• The governor of Louisiana embarrassed himself by talking like Kenneth the Page, and then Kenneth the Page embarrassed himself by appearing on a Jimmy Kimmel webisode. Meanwhile, everyone else in America did their Joaquin Phoenix impressions.
• There is some sort of scandal at noted up-and-up on-the-level business Adult Friend Finder! Tucker Carlson will be crushed.
• Jeremy Piven gave the performance of a lifetime, but, sadly, there were no cameras on hand to record it.
• Facebook ads are getting skeezier. Soon they will probably ask you to check out this video, lol.