· Sure, you'll only have 45 seconds. But when you do finally get your Oscar, we'd appreciate a speech with even half the sincere class of Sir Laurence Olivier's 1979 lifetime-achievement award acceptance. [via HE]

· And failing that, Esquire's got a few do's and dont's for you as well.

· Ever wanted to cruise the length of Philip Seymour Hoffman's jowls? Buzznet's spiffy new Red-Carpet Zoom feature will let you explore the intricacies of Oscar paparazzi shots as! They! Happen! "It's so satisfying to be able to instantly see a closeup of anything that interests you, whether it's a pair of designer shoes, a wrinkle, or a simple hand gesture," said the network's rep. We think we know what she means.

· David Edelstein seems ambivalent about this year's Oscar crop, irked at Revolutionary Road's snub but looking forward to seeing that film's Michael Shannon in attendance, "who'll be in such distinguished company when he loses to Heath Ledger."

· One of the two Best Foreign-Language Film nominees profiled this week by Ray Pride is guaranteed to win Sunday night. What a show-off.

· "The show's got a narrative line this year," veteran Oscar writer Bruce Vilanch revealed to the AP. "So all the awards are grouped around that. The sequence in which they're given is dictated by this narrative." Your suggestions as to the "narrative" are welcome; we'd kind of like to see Hugh Jackman win 20 million rupees by guessing each mystery presenter on the spot, but that seems like a long shot. Guesses?