Count Oscar-greeter emeritus Army Archerd among those laughing his ass off at plans to sneak surprise presenters and attendees into the show via parachute in the dead of night.

Archerd, who, as the Academy's official Oscar-night MC, spent half a century lobbing softballs at stars on the end of the red carpet, may no longer have a say in who passes his gate and when. But what he lacks in influence he made up for yesterday with scalding, retrospective insight:

I can only say you'd need an escape-proof contraption to keep arriving celebrities away from the camera or mike-carrying pre-show interrogators on the red carpet—with a few bashful exceptions, of course. [...] Remember producer Allan Carr's 1989 Jeff Margolis-directed Oscar show opening with "Snow White" arriving into the Shrine after I introduced her on the red carpet? Poor [...] Allan Carr — he never recovered from the brickbats tossed at him. Should Snow White have arrived by a side entrance?

He's got a point: If viewers can't handicap the potential for onstage disaster from the arrivals, then who has the patience to anticipate it during a three-and-a-half-hour awardscast? It's not like Jeremy Piven is nominated. Leave it alone!