Last night on 60 Minutes, a middle-aged man spent fifteen minutes attempting conversation with an inarticulate bohunk until the younger man finally agreed to let him come over. Or, as it was promoted, "Anderson Cooper interviewed Michael Phelps."

At first, Cooper's pick-up technique was shopworn: what do you do, what are your parents like, where did you grow up, etc. (We assume the question/declarative statement "Did you see that Real Housewives reunion special? NeNe brought it!" was left on the cutting room floor). Eventually, Phelps consented to split a taxi with the older man, though he continued to issue one-word responses, letting Cooper know he was "really tired," hint hint. Of Phelps's yawns, a butt-hurt Cooper whined, "I'll try not to take those personally." Dude, don't queer the deal — you're almost there!

Sadly, though Cooper wormed his way into Phelps's apartment, consummation was not to be had — but at least Phelps treated him to a friendly breakfast the day after. Still, Cooper had one more trick up his short-sleeve: doffing his shirt! All that gym work was finally going to pay off (and, hopefully, supplant the Coop's old shirtless clip on YouTube). Ultimately, Phelps paid little attention, though to many in the 60 Minutes audience, the program's Cialis commercials suddenly became superfluous. Let's just be glad they didn't send Steve Kroft.