We've been anticipating last night's Celebrity Rehab 2 premiere for some time now—we'd been pestering the good Dr. Drew Pinsky himself about it as far back as June when taping had just begun, and as recently as Wednesday had excitedly teased an entertaining scene featuring Gary Busey unpacking a Samsonite case full of spare change, hair highlighter, and coke-flecked dog fur. We wanted to wait to watch the full opener in all its self-destructive glory on TV, however, which we did. It didn't take long before we were clutching our knees to our chest, rocking back and forth, and repeating, "Why? Oh God, why?" We run down for you now the five most heart-sinkingly awful moments: 1. Steven Adler Recounts His Suicide Attempt. We meet the former Guns n' Roses drummer in the living room of a small, sparsely furnished home with smashed-in (by Adler) front windows, moaning that he wants to die. Things then proceed to go downhill from there. Try not to wince as you hear him recount the time he ingested 100 Valiums, a bottle of Jagermeister, and heroin in an attempt at killing himself, but only managed to achieve a stroke and paralysis. Hey—you wanted Celebreality. 2. Amber Smith Unveils A Week's Worth Of Prescription Drugs. We like Amber. We liked her immediately. She still retained her looks, besides doing enough uppers and downers every week to kill a Beluga Whale, and she seems to have a pretty good perspective on where she's come from, and where she needs to go. Still, it's one thing to hear someone tell you they're addicted to prescription meds—quite another for them to open their weekly pill organizer and reveal what looks like one of those one-pound bags of M&Ms spilled into its various compartments. Hang in there, girl.

Click to view

3. Nikki McKibbin Describes Her Childhood Abuse. We can barely even type the details to this one, except to say we hope you're happy, Simon Cowell. Getting raped repeatedly at age 5 just doesn't really fully sink in until you're dismissed by a British egomaniac as being "excruciatingly hopeless—go leap off a bridge for talentless people" on the country's top-rated TV show.

Click to view

4. Drunk Rodney King Nearly Gets Crushed To Death By A Car In Slo-Mo. You can't help but feel sympathy for King. The guy isn't a celebrity—he's a vicious beating victim, and there's miles of pain behind those eyes. He works now helping out on his childhood friends' tow truck business, but is incapable of going a day without getting wasted on beer and throwing up out the passenger-side window. The one, long shot of a car slowly lowering itself off a ramp as King basically passes out beneath it was like out of a horror movie.

Click to view

5. Tawny Kitaen Learns Her Favorite Abused Sleep Aid Killed Heath Ledger. We thought we were going to hate Tawny Kitaen—best known for rolling around on the hood of a car in a Whitesnake video—but she's actually very likable, and seems like she'll be taking on the den mother role. There's dark stuff going on there with the four days she was put in jail for attacking her ex-husband, former Cleveland Indians pitcher Chuck Finley. We need a drink.