After traumatizing the Today audience yesterday with her delightful tale of family syphilis, former Brady Bunch star Maureen McCormick took her unsettling book tour to The Morning Show with Mike & Juliet, where she opened up about cocaine ("They would call me 'The Hoover' because of how much cocaine I would do") and family planning ("I was 18, 19 and 20 when I had each abortion"), then recounted a brand-new story about hitting rock bottom that was markedly different than the one she told Meredith Vieira on Tuesday. This one, you see, involved Indiana Jones:

Maureen says she hit rock bottom shortly after auditioning for Steven Spielberg for his then-film, Raiders of the Lost Ark. "It was one of the worst auditions of my life," she says. "I was asked to meet Steven Spielberg. I was high and I had missed my meeting with him. I was totally spaced out... been up for days. He offered me an orange...he probably thought I was sick."

Just think of the alternate universe in which Marcia Brady would have replaced Karen Allen in Raiders of the Lost Ark, thus ensuring a post-Celebrity Fit Club comeback in this year's Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. Sadly, McCormick's involvement in the franchise likely would have led to a whole new round of unsettling revelations ("One time, while high on opium, I took on Harrison, John Rhys-Davies, and that guy whose face melted off"), but after South Park has had its turn with Indy, is there really any more despoiling left to be had?