Hello, this is Joshua David Stein. I am back briefly to talk about the fifth season of Bravo's Project Runway whose third episode aired last night. Contentious, heated and puzzling, last night's episode was a pitched battle for who is the most annoying character this season. In the running is Suede, the bargain-bin mohawk Smurf who inconsistently speaks about himself in the third-person; there's Blayne, the blonde tan troll droll; and Jerrell, who Mr. Richard Lawson and I agree, says nothing substantive but does it in a tone of voice as if what he is saying is clever and bitchy and we're just assholes for not getting it. And then there's our own Montauk Monster, Stella Zotis, the walking D.A.R.E. ad. She's not so annoying as just nervous-making. She did however remark whilst banging a gromit into yet another pair of leather pants, "What a gay little gromit this is," which may be the best line of the entire series. At those words, little Blayne's pointed poison ivy ears perked up. He's a gay little gromit too.

The narrative arc of last night's episode have been exhaustively and episodically brilliantly covered by MisterHippity and his 882 twitching liveblogging fingers. The challenge was to take New York City as an inspiration. The contestants took wildly out-of-focus photographs of idiotic details we find in our fair city and then tried to render them in fabric to various degrees of OMFG That's Hideous, Get A Way From Me, You Monster Sewer.
It has been done before and is done every season and as always some poor fucks flounder. The loser this week, spoiler whatever, is that long-necked scary-eyed pseudo-hipster chick who made a black dress with day-glo puke ruffles on its front. Strangely, a model in a little black dress with day glo puke running down the front of it truly is a New York sight. Anyway, she got axed. But funnily, Blayne made almost exactly the same dress. His is on the left. Witness:



Anyway, at a later point in the show, Blayne puts Tim Gunn, who we all love in these parts (you should see where I'm pointing!) in the bad bad position of saying, "Holla atcha boy!" See, that's something that Blayne says because he's an idiot asshole. That's not something Tim Gunn should say because, after all, no idiot asshole is he. It made me feel bad like when I watched that video that a deeply immoral soul posted of his Grandmother watching 2 Girls 1 Cup. The dignity of the olds shouldn't be sacrificed for the pleasure of the young.

Let's face it: We all know Blayne is rotten to his carrot core. He's a bad egg. He's ugly cabinetry. He's a mediocre fool and what's worse than that? He's a gay little Gromit. He's bird poop straight from the cloaca. And when he says "Holla Atcha Boy" it makes me want to scream.