Click to viewWe really take no pleasure in informing you that two of our idols—early tickle-machine adopter Howard Stern and top-heavy country legend Dolly Parton—are currently at war, but such is the case. To get you up to date, last week, Stern broadcast edited portions of her self-narrated audio book to form several beyond-filthy phrases. (Like, seriously: NSFW. This is the kind of stuff you imagine hearing at a 4 a.m. "Aristocrats" session around Bob Saget's jacuzzi after a night of Tuaca shots and blow. As such, it's hilarious.) Parton has had a listen, and released this statement in response:

"I have never been so shocked, hurt and humiliated in all my life,"

"I cannot believe what Howard Stern has done to me. In a blue million years, I would never have such vulgar things come out of my mouth. They have done editing or some sort of trickery to make this horrible, horrible thing. Please accept my apology for them and certainly know I had nothing to do with this."

"If there was ever going to be a lawsuit, it's going to be over this. Just wanted you to know that I am completely devastated by this."

We think there's another way: A brokered Stern/Parton peace accord, negotiated by us, an utterly unbiased third party, who just happens to possess a stack of vinyl, DVDs, 8x10 glossies, saved ticket stubs to Dollywood, and menus from the tragically short-lived Planet Fartman restaurant chain in dire need of autographing. We beg of you—let the healing commence, before the proprietor of Kenny Rogers Roasters has his reputation sullied any further by intimations that he's the World's Greatest Chickenhawk.