So! Jeff Zucker says Universal will inevitably release movies simultaneously on various media. DVDs! Theaters! Downloads! Which is kind of like it already is for those of us who steal movies online! It's a magical wonderful future, not because I'll get to instantly watch a lamer version of a movie at home on my iMac and my Logitech speakers, but because the only way theaters could survive this change is to kick the theater-going experience up a notch. And that had better mean beer, food and double features.

Going to the movies sucks. I do not need to elaborate on what Dave Barry probably did a column about in 1992: tiny screens, mediocre sound, bad crowds. The theater is just another store in the mall where you consume a product while avoiding contact with other shoppers. But it could be a magical experience!

We're already heading toward this with 3d movies — there are three major 3d formats competing, and they're turning the feature into a real dimension of movie-watching, not just a novelty for when sticks poke out at you. For now it's mostly animation, but action flicks will inevitably go 3d when Michael Bay realizes the format's potential for hiding his lack of talent.

But to really get me to the theater, I want beer. And liquor. And dinner. And not just at those special little indie theaters, I want it in every town in America. I want to know that in this great nation I can walk into any theater and meet a raucous bunch of drunks — which I already can do, but I want to know those drunks are paying the theater tons of money. And then I want to watch a second show without leaving, just like the old-time drive-thrus, and I want to sneer at people who buy the DVD on opening day so they can bring it home with a Starbucks and Chinese takeout. And I want a steak! A steak at my seat while I watch Michael Bay explode robots.