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Someone named Brittney from Samantha Slaven Publicity in L.A. has written me to ask if Valleywag has a "green issue." Well, we're not a print magazine, Brittney, so that's plenty of trees, ink, and energy saved right there. But do we have a "green issue"? Oh boy, do we. Here's our green issue.

Our green issue is that Google pretends to do something about the environment by trying to find sources of energy that are cheaper than coal, while its datacenters whir away, chewing up electricity all the while. Oh, and let's talk about the fact that Google's headquarters in Silicon Valley are located off a freeway exit, making public transit a virtual impossibility for most of its employees who work odd hours. All the Wi-Fi-equipped buses in the world won't make up for that.

Oh, and let's talk about Silicon Valley's electric-car business. Sure, they don't spew hydrocarbons while they jaunt down the highway, but where do you think the electricity that charges them comes from? Coal or natural gas, mostly. Here's a tip on the vehicle that's going to save the planet: It's called a bicycle. But you're never going to trade your car for a Trek, so forget I even mentioned it.

And then there are the gadgets themselves. Computers are designed to last three years, tops; if you get anything more out of them, consider yourself lucky. Cell phones? Replaced every 18 months on average. And if that fancy flat-screen LCD TV develops one bad pixel? Into the junk-heap it goes. A corollary to Moore's Law: Every year or so, you'll be able to buy something more powerful than what you already have. But ask yourself this: Would you be so unhappy if you just kept using your stuff a little longer?

Oh, and then there's Burning Man. People keep trying to make that event green. But until people stop driving massive RVs to it, it's still going to be a massive generator of pollution. Most of the carbon emissions from Burning Man result from driving to and fro. A suggestion: Move it back to a beach in San Francisco, and have the hipsters ride the frickin' N-Judah streetcar there.

Carbon offsets? A lovely market for Wall Street to trade on. But do they make any difference? No. They don't actually reduce carbon emissions; they just shuffle them around. Anyone who thinks buying a carbon offset actually solves global warming likely thinks they're going somewhere when they walk on a treadmill in the gym, too.

So there's Valleywag's green issue. Glad you asked?