Our hopes that VH1's Celebrity Rehab would be a Surreal Life-style romp documenting the antics of hilariously mismatched, semifamous roommates as they argue over neglected chores while soaking in the Pasadena Recovery Center's ten-person hot tub was, as it turns out, profoundly misguided. Other than brief moments of comic relief provided by the confiscation of porn star Mary Carey's penetrative toys and a staffer's attempts at keeping the Guy From Crazytown safely outside of Carey's radius of copulation, last night's premiere was mostly an oppressively bleak look at former Taxi and Grease star Jeff Conaway's debilitating addictions. (Click the above image to play a clip of his arrival at the clinic, accompanied by a freshly drained bottle of Dom Perignon and his enabling girlfriend.)

Unless the show's producers are planning the surprise substitution of the genuinely troubled Conaway with breakout Life houseguest Verne Troyer, whose drunken joyrides around the Recovery Center's grounds atop his Mini-Me-Mobile in search of places where he can void his tiny, overtaxed bladder would lighten up the proceedings considerably, we might have to flee back to TiVo'd copies of I Love New York 2 to retain our sanity.