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Oh boy, were we excited to pick up "Posh and Becks," Andrew Morton's definitive take on the most chavghetto-fabulous couple of our times, Posh Spice and her husband, that hot gay-looking soccer dude. (After all, Morton wrote that masterpiece "Diana, Her True Story"!) And "Posh and Becks" is out now in a new updated mass market paperback edition! And yeah, we were so jazzed to pick the choicest excerpt for you.

Except, no matter how hard we tried, we could not find anything even a little bit interesting in this book. There's not even anything about the size of her head! Seriously, this is as good as it gets:

Like a moth to a flame, she was drawn to the spotlight. At the star-studded Fashion Rocks event in Monaco in October 2005, for example, she guaranteed attention by wearing a Cavalli dress slashed to her navel.

"Like a moth to a flame she was drawn to the spotlight." That is not even a simile. It is, like, a simpletonile.