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Isolated by immense fame and doomed to romantic lives in which the intimacy of every promising first date is ruined by the swarms of paparazzi hoping to take photographs of their fleetingly revealed genitalia as they linger over dessert, Hollywood's hottest actresses stand little, if any, chance of finding true love in the "self-absorbed" show business world, an infernal, Alighierian circle of perpetual loneliness.

The new issue of Us Weekly details the plight of Tinseltown's "beautiful, rich, and alone," who can hope for an emotional connection no more profound than a quick fuck in the still-smoldering wreckage of SUVs that have been crashed into Robertson Blvd. storefronts following high-speed chases with their Nikon-wielding pursuers, sweet moments of carnal release that help them momentarily forget that they are destined to spend their solitary, declining years instructing their domestics to fill their empty homes with cats and periodically refresh their bowls of hard candy. Stars: They die old and alone, just like Us!

Also in this week's issue: Exclusive pics of Jerry and Rebecca's dream wedding!