Feeling fat, sweetie? You're not alone! It's high summer, and, let's face it, none of us made our target swimsuit weight this year. There's good news on the horizon: calorie labeling is coming for restaurant food, for those of us who are both fat and too stupid to roughly figure that something made out of vegetable oil and animal haunches might chunk you up. Still, this way we'll be able to ensure that our dinner's under 500 calories! For those who need more help than simple salad-eating and state-mandated calorie-counting, here are some handy tips for weight loss. Hey, I lost 15 pounds this summer—ask me how!

1. For those in need of sudden weight reduction, we recommend simple bulimia. The fear of vomiting only lasts for about the first week. Soon you'll start to enjoy it, as well as that strong, proud empty feeling. And don't forget that eating disorders aren't just for women any more. They're also for gays.

2. If you're a barfer, do what my old pal used to do. Start all your meals with a handy leaf of lettuce. That way you know you should probably stop throwing up when you get to the green stuff. (After that, it's just bile and stomach lining and stuff!)

3. If you're a total wuss about inducing vomiting, you should go grab a slice at Bravo Pizza on 5th Ave. between 19th and 20th Streets. Worked for me, though it set off some insane chain reaction that lasted three (very slimming!) months!

4. Also totally hot right now: exercise bulimia! This innovative form, pioneered by conceptual artist Vanessa Beecroft, is totally, utterly safe. After Judith Thurman's 2003 profile of Beecroft in the New Yorker, Thurman participated in a Q&A extolling the virtues of this divine tactic:

Her bulimia —exercise bulimia —isn't life-threatening. It isn't like anorexia, which can lead to death. It isn't even like the more conventional kind of bulimia, which involves vomiting, and which can lead to unpleasant physical conditions, such as gum disease, tooth decay, ulcers, etc. Her obsession does, of

course, "eat up" a tremendous portion of her life, daily and psychic. But it also apparently feeds her art. And she does see a therapist. As she says herself, she didn't (and I think doesn't) want to "waste herself" completely.

See? Totally harmless! And look at La Beecroft now! Thin as a twig. And not crazy at all.

5. Anorexia in general has an extremely high mortality rate. So you should be really careful not to die while you're looking so good. An important point: vitamins aren't fattening! And don't forget to hydrate! In fact, a great gateway to anorexia is beginning a no-liquids-but-water diet. Shockingly effective.

Please write in and let us know how your summer starvation is going, okay?