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Hewlett-Packard announced a color-matching mobile technology yesterday, pitching it as a tool for picking the perfect makeup for a given skin-tone using a color index and a mobile phone. Here are some other uses they considered and wisely rejected.

The Amazing Race
 Everyone's a little bit racist! And you're a lot racist, so just like the good Lord told you, you keep your MySpace hookups within the holy white race. When the hot dude on MySpace calls himself "Caucasian," you can ask him to verify that with a quick HP skin-tone index match. HP will tell you if that's a tan — or if you almost committed the mortal sin of miscegenation!

Fell Down Some Stairs
 Ladies, we all know about make-up's toughest job: hiding the bruises from hubby. (He does it because he loves you so much!) We also know that "I walked into a door" only does half the job. HP's patented color-matching technology helps you take care of the other half, turning those bruises into easily ignored softer bruises with our discoloration-matcher. Ouch, ouch, careful with that applicator!

Rebel Without Faux Pas
 You're 15; that's pretty much an adult. Don't show up to the My Chemical Romance concert in your old man's skin tones. HP will help you match your whiteface, mascara, and hair dye (my, what a unique choice you made at K-Mart!) to your stockings. But we won't help you realize that when you kiss other boys, you're not actually doing it to impress the girls.

L.A. Tangential
 People in L.A. are just more beautiful (no matter what everyone else says). You can be more beautiful too, when you tan with the HP color-matcher. We have a special color index for L.A. tanners, ranging from "Contemporary Lohan" to "Donatella Versace." Ask these happy customers!

Puttin' on the Blitz
 Hey Mister Hedge Fund Manager, you're looking fine in your striped shirt! You know what this shirt means! You're going to rock the club! But your rocking striped shirt does not perfectly match your khakis! Fuck that, you're holding HP's douche card, the striped-shirt color guide for bridge-and-tunnel douches from San Francisco's Marina district to L.A.'s West Hollywood to New York's Murray Hill. Now go out there and do a line off the urinal!

Nick Douglas writes at Valleywag, Too Much Nick, and Look Shiny. His lip gloss is poppin'.