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Realists know the iPhone is the best browser for cheating on quiz night or for a bit of porn in the bathroom. Mac fanboys may not want to admit it, but the Jesusphone is perfect for some less than holy uses.

1. Microsoft's Steve Ballmer will buy one and step on it.

2. So will the punks at SmashMyiPhone.com.

3. A hedge fund manager in New York will use it to read the news on the crapper. It's more convenient than bringing a magazine.

4. College kids will use it to trade clips from YouTube and College Humor. Think it was annoying to stand behind a loud cell phone talker? Imagine overhearing "Evolution of Dance."

5. Say goodbye to winning quiz nights as the competing team secretly whisks their fingers over the touchscreen. Unlike you, clumsily typing on your BlackBerry, they don't look like they're looking up all the answers.

6. For over five years, the young hipster in a public place faced a dilemma: Satisfy the urge for entertainment by plugging into an iPod, or keep the earphones off and thus remain approachable by members of the opposite sex? Now said hipster can plug in and still attract attention by fiddling with the toy. Gratuitous hand motions and carefully chosen YouTube clips make the hipster an attractive target for peers. (Tip: To make the headphones less of a barrier, hipsters should wear the same easy-to-slide-off gigantic cans they'd use at a record shop.)

7. Porn everywhere! The full screen, video capability, and headphones make the iPhone the ultimate tool for guys sneaking a quick one in the bathroom. Thanks to the thumb-spreading gesture used to magnify images, enlarging certain explicit photos will feel like playing with the real thing. If the real thing were covered by a slab of glass.

8. Working in cafes is bullshit. It's too hard to concentrate and the "worker" can only stay for a couple of hours without buying a meal (a sandwich, probably, impossible to eat while working). Working on the wifi-powered iPhone in cafes is even more bullshit — but it's a great excuse to take a two-hour lunch with the boss's permission.

9. Extreme mobile gaming!!! Ahahahahahaha, gaming on a Mac. Yeah right.

10. Young women will constantly take photos with it, popping them all to their boyfriends, angry that said boyfriends won't be able to view the crystal-clear photos on their much dorkier, older phones.

Nick Douglas writes for Valleywag, Look Shiny, and an online show that he hopes you'll watch on your iPhone.