Must Straight Men Be Manscaped?
Manscaping: According to Simon Doonan, it's an epidemic amongst our city's movers and shakers. The depilatory procedure, "known among practitioners as 'back, sack and crack,' ...concerns male hetero hair removal. Yes, below the waist. Eeeeeuw!" Our feelings exactly, compounded with fear: Do we really have to go out and get our short-and-curlies tweezed away? Because, seriously, you could make wigs for every resident of Staten Island and have plenty left over for blankets and handkerchiefs. To get to the bottom (haha, get it?) of this whole sordid business, we checked in with the ladies of Jezebel.
BALK BTW: Manscaping.
Jezebellista: yum
Jezebellista: that guy would eat you out for three hours, however long it would take to get the job done
BALK BTW: Classy! Anyway, manscaping in general. How much of a trend is it really?
Jezebellista: Among the demographically diverse random sampling known as "dudes I have fucked" I would have to say it maybe reached "trendlet" status a few years back. And died. But sometimes I am late to these things in fact I have never actually had anything waxed on myself. Not even eyebrows!!!
BALK BTW: Why? I mean, I'm a hairy, hairy guy. I am so hairy that in certain parts of New Jersey hunters are protected from lawsuits if they take a shot at me. Even I can see the need for a trim. But I don't get the whole "aesthetic." Who the hell gets his nuts plucked?
Jezebellista: In my experience, men in the porn industry. And sometimes men who watch too much porn. Men in the porn industry being a subset of that. They like their members to appear larger and more like porn. Porn is sort of the celebrity-sartorial complex of dudes.
BALK BTW: But is it something women want? Like, when a guy undresses for the first time and he's all smooth are you pleased? Appalled? Shocked?
Jezebellista: Uh, that question would be relevant to me if you had to actually undress to have sex.
Jezebellista: Or be, like, conscious?
BALK BTW: Oh, fuck, I forgot you were a drunken slam-me-in-the-bathroom slut.
BALK BTW: Ask Jezebeller real quick for me?
Jezebellista: Ok I shall. But here's what I think.
Jezebellista: I can see the appeal of no hair down there
Jezebellista: but the razor burn oh my GOD no.
BALK BTW: Explain the appeal.
Jezebellista: Jezebeller says she has lots to say because she briefly dated one. Jezebeller DATED a manscaper. And I thought I knew that lady...
Jezebellista: So yeah Jezebeller may be your slut.
BALK BTW: On it, thanks.
BALK BTW: So manscaping.
Jezebeller: well i have lots to say.
BALK BTW: Good, Jezebellista gave me nothing. I'll ask you what I asked her.
BALK BTW: Questions: How much of a trend is it really? Do women want it? Why in the hell would you have someone yank out your scrotal hair?
Jezebeller: I wasn't aware it was a trend. Among heteros that is.
Jezebeller: No, women do not want it
Jezebeller: but yes i dated a guy who was a bmx pro
Jezebeller: and he shaved all his body hair
Jezebeller: it was gross
Jezebeller: because stubble came back quickly
BALK BTW: Your issue was with the stubble or the whole aesthetic?
Jezebeller: My issue was with the aesthetic first. I like hair on a man. But aesthetics are just, you know, visual. It was the tactile aspect - the fucking stubble - that killed me.
BALK BTW: Well, let's help out the seven straight men who read Gawker and are wondering right now, "Do I need to go get my area napalmed?" Do they? Will it help them woo the ladies? Does it make their junk look bigger?
Jezebeller: No it doesn't make junk look bigger. It makes the junk look sort of sad in some way. So no, please don't get waxed. Also: you're kind of hairy right? You need to WORK THAT.
BALK BTW: How? Like French braid my back?
Jezebeller: Sure, or you could take a crimping iron to it. Much easier than french braiding!
BALK BTW: Where are the women that love the hairy, hairy dudes?
Jezebeller: Right here baby!!!
Jezebeller: Here's another thing: Pubic hair kind of, oh, you know, traps those musty smells that women like so much.
Jezebeller: Or maybe it's just me!
Jezebeller: But I like a man to smell like a man down there, not like baby powder or shaving cream.
BALK BTW: Okay, this is probably more than I need. Or want.
BALK BTW: But your advice to dudes is stay away from the scissors, right?
Jezebeller: Scissors: Some men could use a 1/2 inch trim. But that's it. No razors. No waxing.
BALK BTW: Perfect. You hear that, Gawker guys? Trim but don't deforest. Here endeth the lesson.
