The best part about the Brooklyn Paper's expos on an illegal Bay Ridge raw milk ring is the notion that there is some hardscrabble Jack McCoy detective out there chasing down reports of illegal raw milk sales. (Maybe this imaginary detective's father died of raw milk poisoning in Southie or perhaps he was sold into milk-maidery at a tender age!) Due to, well, the reporting and a reticent source named Deep Milk, the article itself is entirely devoid of substantive details but does include some creamy gems.

"[Deep Milk] is a paranoid — and an idiot," I told [my wife]. "...I have serious doubts that anyone is going to jail for drinking milk."

"You're the idiot," she replied. "If you ever read a book you would know that a lot of people believe it is much healthier, and that the government will go after you if they find out you are distributing."

I was intrigued, especially after I learned she was correct.

I realized I was an idiot. Furthermore, re-reading what I just wrote, I realized I didn't know how to read! A mess of scribbles, something didn't feel right. How had I let my wife draw me into the dairy underworld? I was a professional, dammit! The only milk detective on the NYPD. I reached into my trenchcoat to extract my milk pistol from its udder-like holster when I felt a crash on my temple. The last thing I saw before I lost consciousness was my wife's smiling face and a broken milk bottle and then everything faded to white.

To be continued on Law and Order: Lactose Crime Unit.

Organic Crime in Bay Ridge [Brooklyn Paper]