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The prison we've always imagined for Katie Holmes involves shackles, rusty radiators, salivating Dobermans, exploding wife-retention collars, and teams of deadly accurate snipers ready to cut short any escape attempts with an expertly placed tranquilizer dart at precisely the moment Tom Cruise's war bride thinks she's just a couple of hurried strides from sweet, sweet freedom, but Us Weekly's cover story-worthy conception of Holmes' imprisonment is one of stiflingly omnipresent in-laws, threatened credit card cancellations, and desperate friendships with the British tabloid libertines through which she vicariously lives. In truth, we shouldn't trivialize Cruise's alleged total control over her credit line as somehow less terrifying than packs of attack dogs reminded daily of their potential quarry's scent; the psychic pain of a billion-year sentence without the hope of regularly scheduled retail furloughs to Barneys would be far worse than anything those ravenous hounds could possibly inflict on her body.